Call to Adventure: One Writer Living the Hero's Journey

What the future may hold...

2011-12-23T15:53:00.000-08:00

I was once told by someone much wiserthan me that the best laid plans are often the worst laid ones. Atthe time, I understood little of what this truly meant, for at thetime I was at an age where being in charge of your plans, your lifewas considered paramount over all others. It would only be a fewyears later in life where I would learn the hard lesson about plans,how we plan them, how we rely on them and how even the best laidplans can go wrong.

I suppose I should be used to this bynow, my entire post graduate career has been built on assembling aplan, having it altered or even worse, go horribly wrong. There was apoint where I was actually getting used to the constant altering ofplans, knowing in the back of my mind that planning would only get meso far, and all the careful preparation in the world would only workto a certain extent. I wouldn't call it luck, nor fate, but it wascertainly something beyond my control, and something that by alllogical explanations, would be something foolish to get upset over. Iwas beginning to except that I should be prepared for the unexpectedand that things beyond my control were things just not worth gettingangry about.

However, certain things in life youjust have to plan for, have to have them work out and in all honesty,desperately want to work out. Some thing we invest too much in. Toomuch time, money energy or emotions to see it explode in our facesand become all for naught. The plan that I have been building for thepast several months (which is in itself a alternate plan from anotherplan) may come crashing down around me in the next few days.

I don't want to go into the exactdetails, for they would be lost on someone who does not know the fulldetails of my goals, but what I can say is that this plan was THEplan. The one that I had made up in my mind that I would followthrough with not only for myself, but for someone else as well. Ithink that's why the threat of this plan not panning out bothers meso much, it does not just involve myself, but others as well.

I had let myself get too emotionallyevolved with this plan working out, something that I probablyshouldn't have done. I had let my romantic visions of a happy lifeand a fool-proof way to pay back the debt that I had accumulated duringcollege. Once I had heard that I had passed the interview for thisjob, I was certain that the hard part was over. I was in. I was goingto be spending a year in a foreign country writing and making acomfortable living. I was going to be with one of the few people Icare for the most. Everything was going to be alright.

When things started going sour, andproblems began piling up with regards to the hiring process, I wasbeginning to become slightly irritated, but as the past has shown me,unpredictability was all part of the process. Things would change, wewould adapt and life would go on. As long as I was going over, aslong as I was to see her, everything would be fine. These two thingswere all I needed to be happy and content.

The problems continued to add up,delays in sending documents, lost emails and certifications that ifwere only a few days sooner, would have made everything fine. Allthese issues lingered in the back of my mind, part of me beingoptimistic and part of me wanting to deny the inevitable truth. However as yesterday ended and I saw that things were not in order, Iknew in my mind that my chances of getting my dream job, being withthe person I've strived all year to be with would not be happening inmy future anytime soon.

Of course, this isn't certain, as Ihave not confirmed my sealed fate (and can't as my recruiting officewill not open again until after the holiday break) but the signs arethere, and the odds of getting to where I need to be much less thanactually getting this job is looking slimmer and slimmer by the day.The odds are against me. If there are no positions left, then I mayhave a chance to leave at a later date, but the odds of thathappening are incredibly slim as they rarely take people after theinitial start date. Even if my sheer luck there is a position left,it would be on the opposite end of the country. Away from her. Seeingher on a regular basis would be impossible. Seeing her on a semiregular basis would be costly, time consuming and in brutal truth,impractical for the both of us.

The feeling of dread is overpowering,and the threat of yet another failure, the biggest one yet hangs likea cloud over the past few months of progress. The victories seemhollow, the money spent feels wasted and my efforts a spectacularwaste of time.

So while the feeling of dread restsnugly in the back of my mind, I've decided that for now, there's nouse for despair. It is December 23rd, 2011. the day before the nightbefore Christmas. A time that for one day out of the year, I canrest, let loose, enjoy the company of family and reminisce about whathas made the year so great. I suspect I will have much to reminisceabout this Christmas, both good and bad, but no matter what thefuture holds I know theses things:

I am happy with the way things haveturned out for the most part. This may have been a difficult year butI feel I have accomplished a lot.

I have grown considerably over the pastfew months, things that would have devastated me before, I am slowlylearning to become tolerant towards.

There is someone that I have come tothe conclusion that I care very, very much for. More than anyone elseever before, it will be a sad day if I find out that I can never seethem again, but my caring will never go away.

I've made a lot of people angry thisyear, but never went out of my way to do so. You can't pleaseeveryone, this is a fact that will follow me the rest of my life.

Failure is always a consideration totake, and even if this ends in failure, there is a very small part of methat wonders about the possibilities of a new beginning, a newadventure that may rise from the ashes of the old. As much as I hatethings going wrong, my thirst for adventure is never truly satisfied.

Happy Holidays to all. May it be safefun, and memorable.

“Nothing last forever, not even yourtroubles.” - J.R. Freeman

The wandering mind makes for a melancholy weekend

2011-10-30T20:53:00.000-07:00

Having a bad day is something most people usually don't enjoy. Having a bad weekend is even worse. Two solid days of non-stop suckage leaving you drained by the weekend's end, only to have the entire week ahead of you. It's not a nice way to start the week and is a grim reminder on just how much life is a roller coaster of ups and downs.

It's starting to hit me, the feeling of being alone and isolated, my plans not going in tune to other's. Going to the beat of my own drum has its advantages, but its the disadvantages that have been showing themselves as of late and as much as I try to ignore them and try to push them away, they linger on my mind like some nagging bad feeling or sense of displacement.

Truth be told, I miss certain people. Even people that I am almost certain do not miss me nearly as much. Working alone in isolation, with zero social life and little free time is starting to take its toll. The world does not stop as you work, only for it to resume again. There is no pause button, life goes on without you, gladly leaving you behind as it moves on towards the end.

I feel like I have lost touch with people to the point that they must feel I no longer care, they might not even care that much to begin with. Why these thoughts bother me I have no idea, the only people I have ever known, for better or worse, have begun to loose touch and despite my efforts to stay in touch, I feel that I am becoming a forgotten memory, outside the loop with no new loops to enter into.

I believe its my fault, life needs balance and I've been doing a poor job balancing that. A cynic inside me thinks that if people really cared, they would make an effort to stay in touch. Another part of me believes that people are busy in their lives and sometimes its incredibly easy to forget things on a hectic day to day basis. I'm not sure which one is to blame, nor am I sure that I want to know.

It also makes me think about things I don't want to think about. I wonder if the person I want to talk to more than anything else is going to be worth all of the effort and sacrifice? I can't stand the thought of something going wrong, my efforts all going for naught. I nearly loose it whenever I never hear back, wondering if it was something I said, something I did or didn't do. Am I being to intrusive? My nature to start worrying kicks in.

This is all temporary, this will all disappear with the approach of a new week and my sense of isolation and worry, wonder and fear will disappear as busy thought so of work and education begin to take their place.

My mind usually doesn't go here, but when it does, it drives me insane. I don't want to loose people but I don't want to miss opportunity.

Here's to the nights when our minds wander. When we go back to the mistakes in our past, when we think of the mistakes we can make in the future and the nights that pass quickly when these thoughts occur.

"The secret to surviving, is knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep..."

Worth the extra mile...

2011-10-14T23:11:00.000-07:00

Today has been one of the most emotional roller coaster days I've experienced in some time. It started simple, and as the day carried on reached such a fever pitch that I felt the anxiety begin to creep over me. I was used to plans going wrong, the entirety of my success can be traced back to things initially going terribly wrong until they finally became correct. However this was different, at first I couldn't quite place my finger on why this relatively simple set back bothered me so much.

Then it hit me. It was clear as day.

I was too emotionally involved to my current goals. Something much more than my personal goals and future financial welfare.

It was my feelings, pure emotions that made this setback seem so much more significant than normal.

It started off well, a promise from a previous day that would finally allow me to move forward with my goals of traveling overseas to Korea, a deviation from an already set in motion plan to live and work in Japan. The plan was going smoothly, a trail of paperwork, verification documents and interviews before I'd be on a plane across the world and making more than enough for one young man to live off of.

Everything was in order going as planed, until a curve ball came at me fast and hard.

"Kyle, I hate to bring this up, but I have to tell you now that there are new regulations regarding teaching in Korea," said the friendly agent who I had been working with the last several months.

"What are they?"

"Well, you said you wanted to teach in Korea correct? Well in that case there is a new regulation that requires that you're certified to teach before they will hire you as a teacher."

"Why am I being told this now? I wasn't told this during the summer when I first expressed interest," I said with slight agitation.

"Well it recently was a new regulation for EPIK applicants. You'll have to put in at least 100 for a certification course. You can take them online of course."

"These cost money, don't they?" I asked, very well aware of the obvious nature of my question.

"Yes, there are varying prices and time commitments. Please take a look at them and let me know your decision by this Monday," she said before politely ending the conversation.

My mind was reeling, but like any plan gone bad, I went to plan B and began to search for information and pricing for the new requirement, the new obstacle before making my way to my goal.

The prices ranged from outrageous to mildly reasonable. All of them costing more than I wished to spend at this time. Money that I was currently working and saving for this trip to begin with would suddenly have to go towards yet another obstacle before making my way. Including monthly bills. Including student loans. Including the plane ticket there.

I sat in silence, quietly wallowing in my own indecision on what to do next and my disappointment on yet another setback to my plan that had been developing since junior year and had yet to take off.

As the day continued on my wallowing was overwhelmed as the happiness and excitement of my family was hard to ignore. My brother who had been at college for the last few months was coming home for break.

My family was fairly serious when it came to showing praise or affection. They believed in occasional and reasonable amounts of praise and love. They would never pile on too much love or praise but would always be there to wish you well and let you know they loved you for the perfect situations. Their excitement and happiness was nearly impossible to ignore when my brother finally came home. Everyone was laughing, was happy. They were excited to have him back even if it was for a bit. For the first time in a long time, my family seemed complete.

As the night went on my sour mood was slowly beginning to subside and the happy, infectious nature of my family's first reunion with my brother in months was beginning to sink in. Soon I was laughing and joking around with everyone else. My problems had not gone away but I felt better. I felt invigorated for a bit. I was in one of the best moods in months. The mood did not subside later on and by talking and enjoying time with some friends it improved even more. Suddenly my problems didn't seem entirely too bad. They seemed manageable, I now had a clear head.

By the time the night began to die down, the euphoric happiness being replaced with thoughts of sleep and the start of another day. My father had a tradition of listening to music before falling asleep, this night played one of his favorite singers from generations past: Frank Sinatra. "Summer Wind" quietly drifted through the room as we sat in silence.

"This song takes me back, reminds me of a time when I was young and things were so simple," said my father.

I nodded, "I suppose we all have that song that reminds us of somewhere."

"Somewhere or something," he said. "Reminds me how much I enjoyed my youth and the people in them. I wish I tried harder to stay connected with some of them," he said before finally drifting off to sleep.

I silently left the room before retiring to my own. The words about songs and the emotional attachment we put with them, their powerful ability to bring up bad and good memories.

I thought back to a song and a accompanying video I had shown Hyejin a few months back. "Her Morning Elegance" by Oren Lavie. A pleasant song with and equally and dreamy music video. I had been and admirer of it and like everything I adored in life, I shared it with Hyejin, one of the few people I felt comfortable sharing anything and everything I loved without fear of ridicule or judgement. She ended up loving both the song and the video and ended up loving it. Admiring and laughing as we watched the video together.

I listened to the song again, closing my eyes as the lyrics came from the headphones and echoed in my ears and brain. My mind drifted from the song and video to the past back when I was at Ball State.

Back when I had met Hyejin for the first time. The first time I helped her with her journalism homework. The first time I had found out that she loved geeking out about film as much as I did. The time we got into an argument and didn't talk to each other for a week. The time we both went to my room to work on homework and watch a movie afterwards, only to fall asleep early. The time we ran all the way from the library to her dorm in a vain effort to escape the cold. The time we both went to a "high school" themed dance. Both of us realizing that this was our first dance, with her schools never having dances and myself being too awkward to ever work up the courage to go to one.

It was obvious at this point that my plan would have to be put on hold. For how long, I wasn't sure. The disappointment was still there but only slightly. Instead of anger,determination took its place. I made up my mind. I knew at this point that this was the point where I decided if my ever changing plan was worth it.

Yes it was.

It was worth it to create new memories, to see things most never get the chance to see. It was worth it to see her, maybe the first of may times, maybe the last time ever before I never got another chance.

Music does make us go back, to different times and people.

It also reminds us just how special some people were, how when looking back, you realized that your life was so much better with them in your world. How it would be worth it to seem them again, even if it meant rejection.

Some people are worth the extra effort, the extra money and the extra heartache. We let them in but we never let them go. They remain a part of us forever and whether a few blocks or a few thousand miles away, we hold them to us, let them empower us.

I am emotionally attached, with the odds stacked greatly against me...

And I do not care.

The Change in Conversation and Never Letting Go

2011-10-02T01:45:00.000-07:00

I like to think that I do well on my own. That the need for human company and companionship is not an essential factor in my life, that if need be, living and working all by my lonesome would not be an issue, I like it. I prefer it.

It's a fact that I've come to discover that a majority of people in my life I can simply do without. Nothing personal and not in and effort to be mean spirited, it's just a simple fact I have discovered over the years. If we hang out, if I get the chance to see you and talk to you, great. I will more likely than not enjoy the company and good discussion. It will be a perfect and pleasant benefit to my time. It's just the fact that I don't need it as an essential. I enjoy being with people, but I enjoy the peace, the quiet, the solitude just as much.

However, there are certain people in my life,a select few that I have come to discover over the months and years getting to know them, that I feel that I cannot do without. These are the essentials, the people that in all moments of the day, I think about. The people that at five in the morning my mind will suddenly wander to them and despite them being thousands of miles away I wonder what they're doing at that moment. Are they busy? are they with someone else? Are they enjoying themselves? Are they thinking about me?

It's these people that I find myself gravitating towards and while wanting more time to talk with them, to be a part of their lives, the time between us is painfully short. The unfortunate result of being in different parts of the world, in different time zones.

At first this didn't bother me as much. After all, I didn't need to say much to them, being myself and enjoying the solitude. As the time went on, and we continued our conversations, I discovered that I was growing more attached and more engaged to what they said. Suddenly I wasn't struggling to keep a conversation, desperate to find a subject to keep the discussion alive. Instead I was engaged from the first hello to the final goodbye. I hung on to every word they said, desperate to become lost in a conversation that I knew would undoubtedly end with a hiatus before the next one. As our time grew less frequent and our conversations more sporadic, I found myself becoming more of an avid listener than ever before. All those weeks of absence were made up for in an instant. The conversations were light, fun and always pleasant.

Tonight was different. The conversation stared innocently enough, however it soon turned serious as the issue of personal problems and woes developed. The happy-go-lucky person I had awaited to talk to with fevered anticipation was suddenly confessing things I never knew. The person who I had once though of as a beacon of hope, a role model for staying positive and energized in life was suddenly spilling their woes at a frantic pace. Their emotions at a tipping point towards sadness.

I felt helpless. This person that I had always looked forward to was in a dire need of advice and comfort. They were miles away from where I lived. I couldn't visit them with a quick in, head out for bite to eat while we mulled away at the issues at hand or even a trip to the local bar to drown our woes. I was powerless to offer an substantial help, my only tools available were my words and my sincerity.

I did the only thing I could, the only option I had. I told them I would be there for them. That I would always be there for them. That no matter the time, place, or reason; I would always be there to listen and even if I could offer no advice or help, I could be the ear that would always listen. The shoulder to always cry on. I meant it with every fiber of my being and hoped that they would accept the offer.

They obliged with a smile and a nod.

"I'm glad I have someone to be there for me. It means so much. You are always there for me, I will always be there for you."

The conversation became more upbeat, an attempt to stifle at least some of the sadness permeated through earlier. However this chat, which started out innocent enough changed our dynamic forever.

It made them aware that I am a person that will always be there for them. Miles of ocean and land were no match for me being there.

It put us on equal footing, they would always be there for me. When all other refused to listen, someone would be there for me.

It made me realize how much I care about this person, That despite not seeing them in person in months, and sometimes going weeks without talking, that amount that I cared for this person was paramount.

What started as a simple conversation made me realize the importance of having the special someone in life. The person that is the spark, the soul, the inspiration that makes life a little better. The face that brings light to even the darkest day. The voice that puts all your fears and swirling thoughts at ease. The laugh that melts away the fatigue, the anger and the hate. The person that makes life better. Life seem worth it.

It's the people like these that come around once in a lifetime. The people that we enjoy every minute with. The people that are worth fighting for, worth staying up late for, spilling your heart and soul for.

It's people like these that make embracing life and all the good it has to offer worth it.

I know this now and I'm going to embrace.

Embrace and never let go.

All you have to do is stop for a second...

2011-08-29T22:57:00.000-07:00

Nights like these drive me nuts. Days like these make me nervous. Weeks like this makes me want to take a break from life.

I have no problems with an sense of uncertainty in life. It’s the sense of excitement and intrigue of the unknown, coupled with my own sense of adventure and willingness to travel the world. However when one yearning with adventure in their heart is at the will of others, waiting for a confirmation to move on to the next chapter of their life, it makes for a frustrating and nerve wracking process that gets repeated constantly, day after day, week after week.

It’s one of my biggest pet peeves and one of the things that makes me worry the most in my life. I was never comfortable with the fate of my life and livelihood in someone else’s hands. I have never liked not being in control of my own life. Whether it be a monumental success story or a complete disaster, as long as I was the one making the decisions, I was content. It was all my doing.

As much as I want to move forward with my dreams and goals, certain things have to be ensured before I do. I need sustainability. A source of income for support and a place to live. This presents the biggest challenge. A job that pays is beyond necessary and the more the economy changes and the closer my bills come to their due date, the more pressing a job, any job is needed.

This is where the waiting comes in. It has become a daily routine to submit numerous applications for jobs and to scour the Internet and my various contacts for connections, openings and any kind of job that would suit my skill set.

Keep in mind that this is just for a job sustainability, this isn’t even touching on the “dream job”, which I also have sent numerous applications to, and are yet to hear a reply.

All of this at certain times is almost too much to bear, too much to think about and whenever it crosses my mind, I end up going back to the what if’s. Wondering if I would ever find my way in life.

It’s these times when things get too hectic in my mind that I think back to before I was actively engaged in the real world. Back when I was just a student, hearing about how to succeed in life. I think back to those days, the advice I received and just relax, if only for a bit, but relax.

It’s hectic moments like these, where I take a pause and distract myself with the “simple” joys of life and remind myself that sometimes, it really is the little things that make life special. Not the one big moment that we all wait for, but the tiny moments of joy that remind us how great life can be.

When life gets hectic, drinking your favorite beer, reading a good book, reading good comics on a rainy day, going to the waterpark with friends who travel hours just to be with you.
It’s your parents still remembering your birthday and celebrating it in a subtle but significant way. It’s a sunny and quiet Sunday morning, it playing your favorite video game for hours and not even caring.

For now I receive no answer, but that doesn’t keep me from giving up or adjusting my standards. I love Japan, I will without a doubt one way or another end up their one day. I love to write. I will continue to do so whether I receive payment or not, just the simple act of getting my thoughts on paper and sharing them with the world being enough for me. I still care deeply for certain people and will continue to talk with them, whether they are five minutes or half the world away.

I’m still going to keep searching and keep working everyday until I find a career and then keep searching until my dream is fulfilled. It may sound hokey but I refuse to give on my dreams and my goals. We only get one life, and choose not to waste it.

It truly makes me sad to think there are so many people and friends that I know who feel life is doom and gloom, that life has thrown them too may curve balls to remain in the game. I wish that despite the struggle and hardship they could see what I see. Feel what I feel during the moments of happiness.

I’m never going to give up. Never going to stop being happy. Never going to stop finding the beauty and sharing it the people around me.

Oh, and never stop writing too.

Starting over- and the adventure that follows

2011-07-01T02:00:00.000-07:00

Over the years I've come to handle the art of getting rejected. It's not something I look forward to with some masochistic glee, but rather acceptance. Over the years I've accepted that there were going to be times in you life when you fail, don't quite make it and fall short of expectations. It's something that gets a little easier each time it happens, yet we never truly can accept it immediately and rather we allow it to linger in our minds, consuming all of our positive thoughts and hopeful dreams until someone or something grounds us back into reality, reminds us that it's ok to fail and there are other opportunities awaiting us.

ECC was a job that I had planned on taking since my junior of college. A job that hires individuals to travel to Japan and teach English to children and eager Japanese adults willing to learn English. It wasn't my dream job (that would be working for a publication based in Japan) but it was one of the safest and most reliable ways to earn enough to live off of while meeting new people who spoke the same language as you and were interested in the same area.

I was told by multiple people including employees of ECC that I was a shoe in for a position that being fresh out of college and with a reputable degree. My excitement steadily built as it became closer to the submission date. I was sure that in a few months that I would be in Japan.

Soon enough I received an email asking me to travel to their headquarters to interview for the job. I eagerly took it, even going as far to prepare for my eventual trip to Japan, the country that I loved more than anywhere else on Earth. Surely I would get the job. Surely I would be on a plane in a few weeks to Japan. Surely I would be living my dreams soon enough.

I finished my interview, felt that I did a decent job and prepared to wait until the inevitable email arrived. As the week progressed I found myself checking my mail constantly, eagerly awaiting the day it would arrive.

Saturday, shortly before noon I saw an ECC email in my inbox. In a matter of seconds I opened the email and was quickly scanning for the “congratulations on being accepted into ECC” part of the letter.

I looked, and kept looking seeing no such phrase. Instead I was greeted with a short greeting:

“Thank you for your interest in ECC. We are sad to inform you that we cannot offer you a position. Good luck with your future endeavors.”

I read that paragraph. I read it again. I kept waiting for another email to arrive, to tell me that a horrible mistake had been made and I was only a few months away from Japan.

The email never came, the rejection never changed. The stark reality finally sank in.

I wasn't going to work for ECC. I wasn't going to Japan.

At first I was optimistic about the rejection, that there would be plenty of other opportunities to make my dreams come true but as I began my frantic search for a backup plan, I found that my goal of making it to Japan was going to be harder than I ever expected.

A majority of decent paying jobs were only available to people currently residing in Japan and to those who had a visa. I had neither residence or a visa, two things that were items that ECC took care of for prospective employees. Other English based companies were ill-reputable, offered barely liveable pay, or did not have any interviewing slots until at least the beginning of next year.

I felt like I had lost at my big plan, that I had been defeated before I had even started and had a slim chance of making it. My dreams had left me behind.

I had a conversation that evening with one of my closest friends in Korea. Like many other things, she had been part of my grand plan, and I had planned on visiting her while residing in Japan, her hometown in Korea only two hours away.

I had told her the news, that my plans of seeing her had gone up in smoke, that I was back to square one all over again.

At first she listened to my woes, did some comforting towards me and finally started to become serious. Her tone changed, her eyes focused.

“Kyle, what did you always want to do?” she asked me.

“I wanted to go to Japan Hyejin, so bad. I wanted to write,” I said.

“Right. You always to write. No matter what.”

“Hyejin, what are you getting I asked?” not quite sure what her big point was.

“You can write wherever you want. You can write whenever you want. Even if you don't make it to Japan right away you can still do the other thing you love. You can always write,” she said.

I started to see her point, a point that I had admittedly forgotten in a blind quest to make away from my small hometown and live in the big city that I loved. I loved Japan. That was never going to change, but first and foremost I wanted to write. I wanted to find stories and get into adventures with other people. I wanted to write about the people and places that I saw. I wanted to share the experience with other people who weren't fortunate enough to go where I have, and seen what I've seen.

I was a storyteller first and foremost, a storyteller that didn't need a certain place to write a story. A storyteller who had the whole world as one blank canvas.

“I feel better now Hyejin. Thanks for making me realize what I needed to see,” I said.

“ No problem. I'm always rooting for you, always praying for you,” she said.

Two days after my conversation, I received an email from another place I applied to, this time in Korea.

A few days ago I would have turned down the offer, but not I was oddly curious. I'd still be getting paid, I could still write, I'd only be two hours away from Japan and I'd be able to visit Hyejin on a daily basis if I wanted too.

I ended up telling the whole ordeal to my mother, who like any good mother, listened intently to what I had to say.

“This is up to you Kyle, you're an adult. You need to make up your own mind,” she said.

I sent the email reply that night, I told the recruiter that I was interested in going to Korea. I wanted another shot at adventure, wherever they might be.

Before I went to bed I saw a clipping from a magazine sitting on my desk, my mother had cut it out and simply told me to “read it” before heading to bed. It was a quote from Condoleezza Rice:

“As I traveled the world representing the United States as our nation's 66^th Secretary of State, I was often asked how I came to this post. I would reply, 'I started as a failed piano major,' The point is that life is full of surprises and serendipity. Being open to unexpected turns in the road is an important part of success. If you try to plan every step, you may miss those wonderful twists and turns. Just find your next adventure- do it well, enjoy it- and then, not now, think about what comes next.”

I smiled. This was her blessing for me to do my own exploring. To live my life as a person looking for the next big story, be it in Japan or Korea or even my small hometown.

I was glad I said yes to the email, its too early to determine whether anything will come of it but on thing is for sure, the sense of adventure and sense of wanderlust has not died down.

I might not make it to Japan by the end of the year, heck even the end of next year but that hasn't stopped me from following my dream, I'll get there one day.

Until then, I'm still going to explore everything in between, I'm going to keep on adventuring.

Hot, no money, and missing a party. Pretty happy.

2011-06-16T18:46:00.000-07:00

It's almost ten from where I'm at, a small, dirty hostel in the middle of downtown Toronto. Outside the sounds of loud classic rock and loud obnoxious laughter drifts in the air and through my window along with the smells of barbeque and cheap beer. My throat is dry and scratchy, the body sticky and hot. I'd love to go downstairs and join them, have a nice cold beer and trade traveling stories but alas I cannot. I have very little cash left on me, a suitcase to check in at the airport tomorrow and the need to survive back home on very little cash. A cold one is a little too much for the budget, maybe next time.

I've been traveling a lot lately. Been doing what I always wanted to do from a very young age, seeing what the world has to offer, a little bit at a time. However as anyone who has done it before can attest to, traveling is not a cheap hobby, and from traveling to both LA and Toronto in the span for two weeks has left my wallet vacant and my future travel plans temporally put on hiatus.

Most people would be bother by this, in fact I do know some people who think that I should be panicking and worried about my sudden predicament, to be perfectly honest, I'm not. Perhaps a little concerned, but nothing to be too worried about, in fact right now, in my sweaty clothes and by beer smelling little room, I feel great.

Money has never been a source of woe for me. No, I don't receive free handouts from my parents or I don't have a million dollars saved away, but rather I've never put too much of an emphasis on money. I understand its worth and I appreciate it when I do have it (it does buy my favorite material goods after all) but I never put too much emphasis on it or let it be a major focus of my life.

Money has never brought me happiness, nor has it ever truly ever solved my life's problems. Money has never bought me good grades or made me the object of desire of some beautiful woman. I learned this early on and since then, have never let it been a significant factor in my life.

I also don't mind living in poverty, not actual defined poverty but living cheaper than most. I find joy in taking my experience as a source of fun, using the lack of funds to spend much on a meal to search around and discover new places. The lack of a fancy and private hotel room to meet new people. The entirety of my money spent on a plane ticket to stay at home and focus on family and friends.

Maybe its because I'm incredibly naive. Maybe because I've never been put in a situation where I've never had to struggle and worry and maybe it because of my views on life. Either way, think of me as crazy, stupid or a little of both, all I can tell you is that there's a ton of beer, loud music and pretty girls right below me, and I'd rather stay here and write about them instead.

I think I'll do well in life, maybe its the optimism talking.

Grounded

2011-06-15T13:59:00.001-07:00

I always seem to have the need to write when I'm waiting at an airport. I'm not quite sure what it is, perhaps its the extended period of time waiting for flights to arrive that allows me solitary time to think. Maybe its the vast and varied mix of bustling people constantly walking back and forth that helps stimulate my need to express myself. Either way, this will be the second time I've traveled this year by plane and a lot has happened between the times.

My goal of traveling and writing in Japan has not diminished. In fact, after leaving college the need to travel and explore had never been stronger. For the first time in a long time, I was free to go where I want without the obligation of finishing my education to hold me back. I had accomplished my education, it was now time to show the world what I had learned and how to use it in practical settings.

It came with great surprise that only a few months after completing graduation how much things had changed. My friends had all but been separated from my daily visits with the only way of keeping contact was through the cold and alienating internet. My friends from back home who I had previously left behind due to college were suddenly in my life a lot more than before. I was suddenly catching up with them, reminiscing about the past, learning about all the gaps in our livers that we had previously missed out on.

Suddenly there were more choices available to me, I no longer had to default to any job that came my way in desperation for cash. Sure there is debt to pay back, but its not immediate, a slave to student loans is a fate I've accepted for the next 10 years. A fate shared by many, so I never feel alone.

Even the decisions I thought would be easy to make suddenly changed once the opportunity arose. Until now I had only thought about what I would do to obtain my dream job. Now that it is available to me I have to wonder about other things. Personal things. The people I leave behind, the places I may never go to again and the feelings I might hurt by leaving.

I think about living on my own, in a foreign country nonetheless. I think about meeting new people falling out of love with the old ones and pondering the possibilities of long distance relationships. I think of all the little things I'll have to leave behind. The little, trivial things that were an enjoyable distraction during my younger days, always available to me on a moment's whim, now facing the possibility of no longer being in reach.

I think mainly of saying goodbye, loosening my ties with people and blazing my own new trail in the unknown chapters of my life. Yes, I am getting ahead of myself and yes, I may be counting my good fortune before it happens, but when you suddenly have choice, the ability to choose your future fate, your mind can't help but wander and wonder.

I never claimed to let worry and fear get a hold of me anymore, but I can't help but care what people care about. I can't help but care about them.

The airport does this to me, sets my mind abuzz. Until I'm grounded again, and then the future doesn't seem so pressing, the immediate needs and concerns take over. Once again I am myself.

Once again, I am optimistic. I am grounded again.

Missing You

2011-05-03T00:42:00.000-07:00

It is 3:17 in the morning. I'm sitting in a building that is seemingly devoid people or activity. A small light illuminates behind me and my iPod is playing British punk as I write this. For all that has been happening lately, my mind is a little frazzled. Not in a particularly bad way, but in a way that is borderline overwhelmed and ecstatic. High on life is what some people call it, the high that you get when things go your way, when everything just clicks and you feel that sense of accomplishment that rarely comes.

This is my final week of college. A week that I would have never thought I would have made it to in one piece and certainly not in the position I'm in now. For my four year stay here not only did I complete the degree that I originally set out to obtain, but gained new perspectives, life lessons, great friends, and mentors who have been instrumental in my academic success.

It's hard to swallow the fact that in a few weeks these people will be absent from my life. These people that I've grown to know over the years of being together. The people who have seen me at my best and my worst, the people who didn't give up on me. There were times where I may have acted like these people did not matter, and that I could have made it though life without them.

In truth, I probably could have made it without them and finished college with their presence. However, I feel that my life would have been that much more difficult and unpleasant as I went through my classes. As it was through my worst days and my worst moments as a human being that I realized just how important it is to have good people in your life.

Now these people that I've spent so much time with will go their own way, live out their own lives, and blaze their own trails of accomplishment and success. They may still have a few years left to go, but from what I've seen so far, I know that most of them are insanely talented in what they do and more likely than not have a very bright future ahead of them.

I've told people I've enjoyed their company but have never experienced true enjoyment with people until now. I've told people I love them, but never truly ever felt love towards someone until now. I've said I've hated people before but never really hated someone until now.

These last four years have helped to shape the person I am today and for better or worse I prepare to enter the world with nothing more than the skills I was taught, the memories I have, and the optimism I've gained.

I'll meet new people, laugh again, hate again, and maybe even love again but no matter who I meet and what I do with them, the people here will never be replaced. No one will ever make me laugh the same way, relax the same way. I'll say I love you again, but never like I loved you.

I'm feeling happy and anxious, but can't help but feel a little sad. Without a doubt I'll miss all of you.

Thank you for being there. Thank you for being there with me.

Thank you for being you.

Happiness and the time we have left

2011-04-04T22:37:00.000-07:00

It's getting near the end of my college career. Four and a half years here filled with some important educational lessons learned. Some hard life lessons with bad consequences and some good decisions with some great results.

It's been a rewarding and fun experience that I decided to take. I feel that I've learned so much from people and about people. This world is a big place and the fact that I've been able to experience a chunk of it for myself and through other people make me very happy. I've come to the conclusion that I love meeting new people and I love experiencing new places. Through college I've fallen in love with the stories that people come from and people in general. I love to hear their back stories, their past, their dreams and their fears. Everyone has a story to tell and I want to hear them all. I've met people that have made me laugh until tears filled my eyes. I've met people that I absolutely hated at first but slowly grew to appreciate them.

I think that's what I'll miss the most about college. The people and their stories and being part of some of those stories. Our life is a hero's journey, and we continue though life meeting thresholds and challenges along the way. We also meet our share of allies and enemies who shape our lives and who we are.

There's much that we can't control in our lives. We think we can control the decisions we can make, and to an extent we can, but very often we are beyond the control of our the reactions of our interventions. We may end up making a situation worse, or making it better. Either way some things are beyond our control, and we have to remember that what defines us as a character, what defines us as the people we are is not how we cause or don't cause a situation, but rather how we handle ourselves. How we act when the bad comes to us or how much we keep ourselves in check when things go our way.

It's not easy, I know for a fact that I can't always feel content in the decisions I've made, nor can I always find solace in the things I've told people. I'm learning, but like many things in life, it's a process.

So I come close to the last weeks of college, where some people I may never see again, and some I know I'll probably see and keep in contact with for the rest of my life. I am trying to leave no stone unturned and get all I need off of my chest. I wish to leave here with no regrets and no what-ifs.

Most of this will be pleasant, but I know for a fact there is one decision I made in the past that I wish I could change. I wish I could take it back, take back what I said. I was too scared to move on, trying to get something else that ultimately was fruitless and without substance. The one who cared, the one who I cared for most of all was right in front of me, I could have said yes, but I didn't. I said no, knowing that I wasn't ready and wanting something else. I should have said yes. I should have let her in my life.

I am happy with the way everything has gone and for the most part my decisions made. It may be too late to change her mind, change my mind, or even make a difference. I'm not even sure I'll say anything. Either way the time left with her, and everyone is short, too short to feel bad for.

I'm going to enjoy the time left, for as long as it lasts, and for all that its worth. Things always work out in the end.

Life always finds a way, even if it not when we think or what we think it should be. After all, we all deserve a little happiness in the end, even if its for a little while.

The One that Got Away

2011-02-20T22:38:00.000-08:00

The old saying time and time again sad that you don’t know what you have until its gone. That the true value of someone will never become apparent until that person is long gone, a faded memory of something that never was, and now never can be.

I never really had a “one who got away” that I cared for. It was a bruise and a sting to the heart in the beginning, but like a bee sting, the pain eventually leaves, the stinger, pushed out from your skin and a new layer of healthy skin to take its place. I’ve gotten used to the stings and the temporary pain. I never thought it would affect me so much that I would end up looking back at what I did wrong, why I waited so long, and why I let go of something so important to me.

It started out slow, a simple request to help her with her homework. I thought nothing of it at the time, it was a nice distraction and it was nice to have someone to talk to, to study with when it used to be a solitary affair. Soon we were looking at funny youtube videos, trading music, and talking about our home life and friends. She told me her dreams, I told her mine. I knew after awhile that feelings were starting to develop more intensely. I liked her, she was a great person, but I wanted something more.

She was a high moral Christian, her definition of a relationship was being together, and not becoming physical. I accepted at the time that I couldn't be in a relationship like that. I was stupid, I wanted more; I wanted the dirty sexy love. One night she finally made a move, I remember distinctly her kissing me, and me kissing back. She asked me to be her boyfriend, I told her no.

As the months went on we finally settled on just friendship, that we thought it was a good spot to be in. That I could enjoy her company and at the same time satisfy my own juvenile needs and wants. I started talking to another girl. A girl with long legs, fire engine red hair, and curves all over her body. She was a model, planning on living in Japan, and interested in the same movies that I was. I thought it was perfect and as we got closer and more intimate, I was convinced that this would work out. Again, I was wrong.

It came suddenly, she stopped talking to me. As abruptly as it started it suddenly ended. The texts became less and less. The conversations which exploded with sexual tensions were now stale. It was over, and I didn’t even know why.

However, she was there for me. When I was feeling down, when I had a large homework load, and when I felt sick. It slowly dawned on me that she was the one there for me. She provided not what I wanted, but what I needed: someone who loved you, despite your flaws and was always there for you. I still remember her whispering to me “I’ll follow you anywhere.”

Today was the day she broke my heart. The day where I finally worked up the courage to tell her that I was stupid before, that the perfect one for me was in front of me all along. It was only a few words which shattered my world. “I have a boyfriend.”

I never got the chance to ask her, I just carried on the conversation like normal. We watched a movie together and she fell asleep on my bed. I stared at her for a moment, remembering only a few months earlier when she kissed me, when she told me that she was in love with me, and when I told her that I wasn’t interested, never telling her the true intentions behind my motives.

She finally woke up, packed up and hugged me goodbye. This time she hugged me longer than ever before, maybe she sensed what I knew, maybe she was just feeling friendly today, it didn’t matter.

She walked out the door, waving goodbye. No longer would I be invited to the library, as her boyfriend would be there. I wanted friendship, and that is exactly what would be left with. I had let her go, she would be the one who got away. The one who I’d always remember.

I always learn from my mistakes and I never regret the past too often but I know that this one will hurt for awhile. Every sad song will be about her, every sad movie her as the leading star.

I don’t blame anyone but myself, but damn does it hurt.

Take it Easy

2011-01-26T20:41:00.000-08:00

I often wonder how much I have grown, how much I have matured over the years. I think back to my early college days and think about all of the stupid decisions I’ve made. All of the things I should and shouldn’t have said, and compare it to my life now. I’d like to think I’ve come a long way since back then, that all of the stupid decisions and emotions have become a thing of the past and that the immaturity which was once so prevalent in my life has been put on the wayside for more mature actions and decision making.

Thankfully I have. I think as my time in college has gone on, my decisions have become wiser and my stupid moments less frequent. That’s not to say they have been entirely absent, there have some stupid mistakes from time to time, but my growth as a respectable human being has become one step closer to adulthood.

I still feel unready. I feel that despite myself being wiser there’s still a lot of road to cover and a lot of lessons to be learned. Learning is a never ending process and yet despite my preparations and my plans, I still feel nervous. That feeling in my stomach that tells me that I don’t quite feel ready for the real world and the real consequences it brings.

It’s funny that only a few months ago my confidence was as high as it’s ever been. I had a dream. I had a plan. The world was ready to welcome me with open arms and I was ready to make my mark. I soon was knocked off this delusion of grandeur, as job after job ended with rejection, my money suddenly looked much leaner than before, and my plans for the future far away and myself not as experienced and prepared as I originally thought.

There were times where my confidence was absent, that I was beginning to doubt myself. That the dream I once had was just that, and was too ambitions for my lofty goals. I was returning to my older self, the less confident self. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like living in fear and doubt again.

It was then I took a step back, and reminded myself where I was at. I put some perspective in my life and realized that while the future may be far and my goals may seem much harder to obtain, I still had time. Money would come in time and while I may not be making leaps and bounds, I was making progress. People were noticing my accomplishments and my improvements, and I was slowly but surely getting better.

I realized that despite the obstacles in my way, I was still on track from my original goal.

Its times like these I need to remind me to take it slow. I don’t have much time left in college, that microcosm where fun and some irresponsibility can still exist. No need to rush into the real world yet.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Late Night Thoughts and Goals

2011-01-06T02:14:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot on my mind lately, mostly about the future and just exactly how it's going to pan out for me. I feel that at times I'm in control and I can pick and choose how my life after college will end up. Other times it feels like the future is out of control, unpredictable and that all of my plans and preparations towards it are all next to worthless. It's pretty stressful at times to live in uncertain, to know what you want and feel like you have control when sometimes its pretty obvious you don't.

I guess I have those end of the line jitters. I remember getting them in high school, before college, and now they're back full force. One part of me yearns to escape and finish college to work on my career, but another part of me appreciates the comfort it provides. The comfort and warmth of a well worn blanket allowing me a certain degree of protection and immunity from harm and consequences.

As I sit at home, in my own bed I am reminded about how I enjoy the familiar and comfort of home, and I sometimes wonder just how I will do on my own, far away from any warmth, any comfort. Other times I yearn to escape these familiar grounds and go back to the city I love the most. To walk among the concrete jungle again and be surrounded by the hustle and bustle. The yearning for exploration and adventure sometimes overtakes all other feelings and it takes all of my being to not run off overseas.

If anything, I'm glad that I'm still learning, still working towards my eventual goals. Everyday I feel I learn something new. Everyday I feel that one more skill is added to the list, I feel that I have a slight increase in the chances to achieve my dreams. Some days they seem so close, and yet I am often reminded that I still have much to learn, a lot of road in life to keep walking until its ultimate conclusion. The journey never stops, nor does the learning.

My heart still burns and wants someone to share all these feelings and adventures with. I know inside though that I ask for the impossible, that too much travel and exploration can never lead towards a stable relationship. No one can possibly keep up with that when they have their own dreams and desires to explore. I would never sacrifice my dreams for anyone, I would hope they wouldn't do the same for me as well. Live your life for yourself, not for others, no matter who they are.

So this final semester, I'll keep working towards a goal, keep learning and discovering. I'll be with the people I want to be with, and even if our time left together is short I'll work everyday to not waste it. Time is short and we are not always lucky enough to have an extensive time with good memories to go along with them. I will treasure the time, live in the present, learn from the past, and plan for the future.

This will not be a semester that goes to waste, I will not be around people that I will take for granted. I'm going to live fierce, love fierce, and learn fiercely.

I'm going to be happy.

I'm going to live.

Dear Red Alert

2010-11-16T22:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Red Alert,

You're beautiful. There's no way around it. Just looking at you stirs my soul and nearly takes my breath away with your beauty. You always seem to think you're not very good looking but you're wrong. I find it amazing that someone so good looking could possibly be interested in the same the same geeky stuff I am. Zombies and District 9 are things most people like you would never interest yourself with and yet you can talk about geek movies and video games with no end in sight. It's probably what makes you the most attractive, something I know a lot of people like about you.

I'm sorta interested in you. You have this personality and way you carry yourself combined with your natural beauty which makes you so attractive. However, I'm not entirely sure if you're interested in me or not. Sometimes it seems like you are, but other days it's hard to tell. I wish I could make the first move and see, but I'm afraid of making it an awkward friendship if I do and you don't feel the same way. I enjoy hanging out with you, and loosing a friendship over emotions would make me very disappointed.

I doubt you'll ever read or find this. if you do however, this is how I feel out for you to see. You'll probably be the only person who will know that this is aimed at you so it's safe.

Love and Rockets 4 life

Kyle

Long Overdue

2010-11-16T20:04:00.000-08:00

This post is long overdue. I've wanted to write down what's been on my mind for the longest time, yet life seemed to prevent me from writing down my events, my struggles, and triumphs. All of them adding up to this post where a majority of the first part of my final semester in college is written down. It's been an eye opening semester for sure. Never would I have ever thought that people, places, and things that have such a presence in my life would change, some for the better and some for the worst.

The biggest thing I found out about this semester was myself. This semester was a real eye opener for me. It required me to dig deep and really examine my wants and needs in life. There were many sleepless nights spent wondering, thinking, and soul searching. For a while it was disheartening. I thought I had it figured out what i wanted from my life and where I wanted to go. As I went on I found myself doubting my plans, where there was great optimism before, there was no self doubt and wondering. The what'if's began to set in, I used to think for a while I was capable of great things, being young and ambitious was the key to success but as I saw my equally ambitious and hardworking friends start to fail and begin to doubt themselves, I started to do so as well. Is this what I really wanted from life?

Most people when they entered their senior year got a case of the senioritus, a strong wave of laziness in which no one wanted to do anything, and yes to some certain degree I did catch a case of it, but senior anxiety was even worse. Feeling lost and starting to to loose hope a certain speech came at just the right time. It was long, and this speaker had a lot to say but the basic message came through loud and clear: to be positive. To take the joy from the little things in my life and to remember that life isn't that one big moment in which all of our dreams come true, but instead a culmination of the little moments that bring us joy from each day and the people that help make those days better.

I felt relieved after this, like a huge burden was lifted off of my shoulders. None of my problems were solved at this point, but it didn't matter. I knew it would be pointless to worry about things which were beyond my control and only by acting decent and with good intent could I ever live a happy life.

So at this point I made a new deal with myself, that all of the things I was afraid to do, to say, and to try I would try to do before I left my college. I was finally tired of what everyone else thought, tired of my constant fear of being judged and ridiculed by others. I lived the last few years of my college life in fun but within boundaries. I was sick of the boundaries, I was determined to make my final year memorable.

Unsurprisingly enough I didn't have this massive 180 change occur to me. I didn't suddenly show up to parties and be the highlight, nor did I score a highly successful job with a supermodel wife. Instead I started slow, taking small steps towards something new and different. I started going to parties, something I was never much of a fan of previously and always wanted to do but never had the courage to do. I stayed out late with friends and did stuff I wasn't too proud of. I hit on the pretty girls, knowing the worse they could say is no. I tried new food, and talked to new people. I took opportunities without much second doubt, looking at the positive outcomes rather than the negatives. Most importantly of all, I stopped being around negative people. This was the biggest problem of all, and as soon as I started spending less and less time with them, the sooner I realized that my life was suddenly happier and less cynical. I was tired of being weighed down by constant nagging and complaining, I was ready to be optimistic and happy again. It was a small change which ended up making a huge change in my life.

Another thing which was a large revelation during the year was relationships, not only with friends and not only with colleagues but with significant others as well. I was finally ready to move on from my past, and looking to the future. I wasn't actively looking, but happened to find people along the way. Even know I'm not entirely sure what I want from relationships at this point. I know what kind of person I want to be with. I know what I would want from them in terms of a relationship, but it suddenly dawned on me a revelation which only a few months earlier never escaped my mind: I'm leaving soon. A serious relationship was almost pointless, barely two semester would be spent together before we would surely part our separate ways and yet there was a deep yearning within me. Something I tried to desperately to hide and keep away from the surface for I knew if I acted upon it I would surely end up hurting someone because it wouldn't be from a wanting to be with the person, to love them, or to care for them. it would be from a need to be with someone, a need to be held when I was feeling down, someone warm to be besides when I was cold. Someone pretty to look at when the rest of the world seemed ugly and unwelcoming. Deep down, the primal urges wanted to take over. I didn't want to be loved as much as I wanted to be held, for me to hold. Soft lips and delicate curves over sweet hearts and tender emotions. I knew these feelings were natural, but wrong. I knew my heart wasn't in on it. If I acted I would only cause pain and frustration for the other person.

My mind was set and I was sure that I would stand my ground despite my feelings, but I couldn't help but start to fall for these different people. To notice their redeeming qualities and the charm of their personalities. I started becoming attracted to them, and despite my actions of staying neutral and not making any moves first. It's starting to become harder, I find myself attracted to two people and feeling like I have to make a decision soon. I still think about it in my mind, consider their feelings and mine as well. Balance the wanting to be with someone along with my limited time on campus. I know I won't be here much longer and I know it might no last long, but still no answers in sight. This is the biggest and most prominent problem which exists for me now, and I hope to find the answers soon.

As the semester is beginning to wind down, and my eyes are opened to the world a little wiser and a little more aware, not all of my questions are answered. Not all of my fears are quelled but I don't mind, I'm nervous but not worried. Unsure yet confident. The words of a mentor still ringing in my head, and making me feel ready for any change which comes my way.

Life is a process, the answers don't always come easy and the experiences aren't always pleasant but its a process that we all have to go through. Life and the bittersweet joys and defeats come from taking risks and learning along the way. We won't always get it right and we won't always be perfect but we don't need to be. I made the decision to be positive and to live my life fiercely. I only have a few months left before my life takes another dramatic change. I won't live them in fear and doubt, but through discovery and excitement. The answers will come in time.

Trust in the process, trust in myself.

Dear Out of Towner

2010-11-06T16:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Out of Towner:

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the grief I have caused you, the pain, the uncertainty, and the worry. If it makes you feel any better know that this was not intentional at all, in fact you of all people would be the last person I would want to hurt.

It seems that I did however, and for that I am sorry. All I wanted to do was the right thing, all I wanted to do was consider my options, get over my own vices, and just try to act honorably and with good intent. If we did start anything now, at this time, it would not be fair to you. It would only result in more heartache for the both of us, something we don't want or need right now.

I have never been angry at you for what you did. I don't regret the thing you told me before the break, I don't regret the moment in peace and warmth. If anything I admire you. I could never do that to anyone when their head was flowing with uncertainty, You're a lot braver than I am.

It hurts that you told me that you may never see me again, this is what bothers me most. Even if nothing happened between us, I valued our friendship more than anything. To see it become nothing makes me sad. I still want you to be in my life no matter what. I understand what you said, that its too painful to be around me. I want what's best for you, but I don't want you to be a stranger forever.

Before you left I said I was going to do some serious soul searching, and I still intend to do that. I'll figure myself out, just give me a little more time. I fear I've lost you forever, please don't validate my fears.

Sincerely Now and Always,

Kyle

Love, Loss, Lost, Found: A Dating Tale

2010-09-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago, one of the writers that I follow and read posted a blog on dating. How after being out of the dating game for so long, he has decided to enter once again. He also talked about something that I think many of us talk about, some of us jokingly, some of us serious but never really give much thought: what we look for in a partner.

I have wondered this many times myself, never really giving it too much thought. It wasn't because I couldn't come up with someone ideal, but rather for the fact I always felt that I would be letting myself down, building up my hopes too high. Real people aren't this nice, real people are flawed individuals who in their effort to make them selves better and discover their place in the world end up hurting those around them as well. It was with great experience in my life that I had learned the hard way: we hurt those who love us, and they more often than not hurt us as well.

I admit that I have not dated much at all. In high school I never really was interested in anyone beyond a minor infatuation. Dating was being saved for college, where the adults went, where relationships were serious.

Like a splash of freezing water I soon learned the truth that college was just like high school, and most people were there for the short term, that immediate blissful feeling of being with someone, being in love, being held. The romantic fantasy of candlelight dinners and nights together in bed without any of the long term consequences. College was the place to experiment and have fun. Most of the relationships I witnessed lasted no longer than a few months and if they were lucky, maybe a year.

I myself was part of two relationships, admittedly not entirely sure what I was getting myself into. For my first, I thought I was looking for companionship to share the time with, someone to be there for me when I needed an ear to listen to listen to me or someone to hold when I felt down. I was thinking of the immediate, I wasn't thinking of the future I wasn't thinking of substance. I paid for it.

The experience soured me from dating for awhile. I was certain somewhere along the way that it was my problem, something I did. I'll never know the truth if it was me or not, maybe for the best. At this point I thought I was undateable, I was too weird, too bad looking, too unfunny to be a worthy companion to anyone. I started to worry, I saw a future of no marriage, no family, and no wife. I tried to not let it bother me too much, to think that it would allow me more time, more freedom to what I pleased but there was always that nagging thought in the back of mind telling me that this wasn't enough, you would not do well alone. Deny it as much as I would like you are a social creature, you need some kind of companionship.

My second relationship was a shock to my system. It was genuine, it was real, it was everything I wanted from partner and I never wanted it to end. I was happy, even towards the end I never regretted a moment. I'm not sure what went wrong, I may never know. I can guess but that would get me nowhere. I've come to the conclusion that to focus on the negative aspect of it would be a waste of valuable energy and time. The negatives serve as lessons to be learned, but the good memories, they still linger, and will probably remain for awhile.

So now here I sit in the same position again, only this time wiser and now sure of what I want from a relationship, a partner, or if I'm even ready to date again .

I feel that I'm not one of those people who need someone to be in their life, that they cannot function without a partner. I've doing pretty well for myself without anyone at my side. So to answer the question of if I need anyone right now, no. Does this mean I'm completely closed to the possibility of a future relationship? No, not in the least.

I'm not sure I believe in fate, or chance, or destiny but I do believe that there do exist good people out there. People who too, are looking for that special one to spend time with, the person who is looking for more than the superficial, the dirty sexy love. Looking for intelligence, looking for someone who can laugh at the random and the unintentional. Looking for the positive moments in life and realize that some of the best moments come from the small, the random, the spontaneous, and the unusual. Someone who knows that relationships come with rain, hail, sleet, and shine, and has the emotional weather gear to deal with them all. Someone who doesn't mind that their partner is geeky, loves films to death, and plays video games occasionally, because after all being geeky is being brave, being fiercely yourself.

Someone who isn't afraid to sing at the top of their lungs and not be embarrassed. Someone who understands how writing is the greatest stress reliever and therapist in the world. Someone who understands that Japanese fashion is some of the greatest stuff on earth. Someone who has a desire to travel and see the world as much as I do.

Someone who falls in love with you, and like the old movie romance, is yours darling, now and forever.

I know there's a few of us out there, perhaps one day we'll meet in the middle.

I'm ready, but not in a hurry.

See you when I see you.

Giant Killers

2010-09-08T00:06:00.000-07:00

Everyone has that friend they look up to in their life. The one who is always giving you advice, helping you when you need help, and just being there for you when you need them. You can always rely on them to be the voice of reason in the chaotic life that we live, one of the few voices keeping you rational when irrationality threatens to take over.

What happens when something happens to that friend and suddenly the voice of reason becomes the one in need, the one who now seems ready to stray onto the road of uncertainty. For once, life has thrown them a major curve ball. For once, they don't have all the answers.

There comes a point in everyone's life, no matter how wise or how collected they seem, when they will have to overcome a challenge which challenges them on all levels of intensity and makes them question themselves whether they are capable or not. They, like all other figures on a quest with an ultimate end goal will have to overcome the challenge and grow along the way.

It still doesn't make it any easier to see or watch. No one wants to see the hero fail, to fall and become helpless. They may even ask you for advice at this point. Suddenly you are put on the spot and your whole mentor/friend dynamic is thrown upside down.

One of most trusted and wisest friends recently had a catastrophic event happen to him which took him completely by surprise. He never saw it coming and never expected it to happen to him, but in a second his life had completely changed and now a once wise and collected individual has been reduced to a shell of uncertainty. His entire future now in jeopardy and now the person who was usually giving the answers now desperately searches for them.

I wasn't quite sure what to say to him when he asked for my advice. I gave him the best answer I could give him, given my knowledge and experiences. I tried to give him comforting words but I knew at this point it did't matter. What happened to him was an event so unexpected, there was no way anyone could have planned for it, let alone want to even think about it. Words at this point were useless, actions meant everything and yet I could offer him no positives or useful ones.

This was over the weekend, I know for a fact he is feeling better now, but still uncertain. His entire future was built around one person, one future with them, and now it's gone. Someone who had meticulously planned and dreamed with this person now had no one to dream with, to plan with, to live and love with. I hope he finds the answers he is searching for, I know for a fact that going through life lost and hopeless makes every task difficult and bleak.

Not quite sure what it is but it seems that everyone I know has a major personal crisis to deal with or overcome. Not quite sure what's going on this year but like Han Solo said:

"I have a bad feeling about this."

Since I've Been Back

2010-09-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

Upon returning to BSU I feel that things have felt different. Things appear normal on the surface, nothing too out of the ordinary, nothing inherently wrong. I see beyond that. I see beyond the calm surface and the seemingly happy exterior of people I see on a daily basis or in most cases, rarely ever see at all anymore. I see something bubbling below the surface, something else at work, something which inspires a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach and despite my attempts to push it aside, refuse to go away.

The worst part is that I can't quite place my finger on what is bothering me. It's not my classes. I've never felt more fulfilled in my life taking a group of academic courses. I feel challenged, and at the same time exhilarated. For the first time I feel like all of my classes can be applied to my future, my goals and plans are becoming clearer and dare I say it, more realistic.

It's not my outside work place either. I've been nothing but lucky there as well. With two jobs, both of them writing and one of them being a paid writing position I've never been happier to be employed. The sense of accomplishment and satisfaction which comes from being paid for what you want to do. Someone enjoys what you do enough to pay you. That is a huge plus in my book.

I think it's my living situation, which in itself isn't bad, but it's different from what I'm used to. Where I once was surrounded with people I knew and could easily see within seconds, they are no longer as close. Sure they aren't a long distance away, but it's long enough to not be able to see them on a moment's whim. I'm also for the first time ever at college living by myself. No roommates, no one else but myself in a room to do what I please with what little time I have. It's great. I love the privacy, the sense that I can do things on my time without having to worry about disturbing my roommate and his schedule. However, like some other changes this semester, it still feels weird. Combined with having a majority of the people I know far away I feel like I'm really in a sense of isolation. Living by myself, with no one to share good news with or bad times as well. While a few of my friends still live close to me, they too are much busier this semester and our time to spend together is limited.

Even visiting the people at a distance feels weird. It's like they inhabit their own little microcosm, their own little world where they too are cut off from the world. A visit is nice, but I feel that we both miss so much on each other's ends that the closeness and camaraderie we once experienced is gone.

I suppose it's just another change that have to get used to and a training level more or less for the future what surely awaits me. Guess it's time to get out there and discover again, learn again, and get used to the fact that the world is much bigger than BSU, maybe I shouldn't get hung up on these little hang ups.

It still doesn't solve what is truly bothering me, but it's a start of a process to determine exactly what it is.

It's time to get busy living, or get busy dying.

Why I Hate Birthdays (specifically mine)

2010-08-24T20:33:00.000-07:00

I have never since turning the tender age of 13 ever looked forward to my birthday. This wasn't some form of teen angst trying to rebel against a society where birthdays were expected to be celebrated, but rather just from a sense of it's unimportance towards me. As horrible as it is to say I never though a day celebrating my birth was worth celebrating.

I don't hate myself, wish I was never born, or hate my parents for bringing me into the world. I just never saw the appeal of my birthday. It was always just another day to me. Another day in which I was one year older and even on the "important" birthdays my 16th and my 21st they were never really that special. I didn't get my dream car when I was 16 and I didn't get wasted when I turned 21. I went about my day just like any other and went to bed just the same. to quote a line from Children of Men: "Went to bed, felt like shit. Woke up, felt like shit." Describes birthdays to a tee for me, minus the feeling like shit part.

I would be lying though if I said that I didn't want a little attention during my birthday. I know about the whole non importance factor, but who doesn't want a little acknowledgement now and then. I don't get it very often so every once in awhile is a little proverbial chicken soup for the soul. Just the little push everyone needs once in awhile. That little "hey you're still totally worth something so thanks for being alive."

Facebook comes to mind and the often occurring flood of birthday greetings one receives on their wall. Technology surely is amazing in the way it allows friends and acquaintances alike to give their well wishes pleasantly ended with exclamation marks and smiley faces. What would normally amount to nothing more than a casual greeting now is disguised as sign of care and concern for the day of your birth. They say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!" but they mean "happy birthday". True sentiment disguised in digital clothing.

This year was no different. Celebrated small (if at all), went about my day as normal, and felt largely the same as the night before. The day has passed. I am now 23. People will soon forget this ever happened, and life will continue on as normal.

Birthdays are mediocre events hyped into stratospheric importance. They are fun, they are enjoyable, and in some cases memorable, but in the end not important to the grand scheme of things. At least that's the way I see it, but then again I'm 23 years old. I'm an old, cynical man compared to most of my friends.

Although, one year I would really like to properly celebrate it and experience what so many strive to have. What can I say? I'm curious.

In Which We Begin the Process Anew

2010-08-20T19:41:00.000-07:00

Life is a process. Never have words resonated with me as much as they do. They have been my form of solace when facing setbacks and bumps in the road, and my dish of humble pie when experiencing great accomplishments. Celebrate a small victory now, but be aware of the long and hard road ahead. Life is all about making your way towards an eventual goal. Doesn't matter when you get there, as long as you do and the journey along the way was worthwhile and meaningful.

I always used to have mixed emotions when going back for another semester of college. I wasn't ready for my summer to be over. My summer where my only responsibilities were making money and staying cool, the return to school being a kick into overdrive, where suddenly my academic duties and organizational duties were front and center. Summers were lazy, mellow breaks and in all honesty I enjoyed them that way.

This summer was different. No longer did I have the pleasure to slack off or be lazy with my time. Each moment was important and each day was a new learning experience and each productive day brought forth a new lesson. It was ultimately very rewarding and fulfilling, and after such a rewarding experiencing, I can never go back to the lazy summers of old again.

For the first time since high school I was working more than one job, three to be exact. While the work at times seemed almost overwhelming it taught me a lot about working in general. There's a sense of accomplishment walking home with a paycheck you have earned through hours of work. I considered myself lucky, most people weren't lucky enough to have one job, I was lucky enough to have three. I doubt I'll get this lucky again in the future. Even now I still probably don't completely realize how good this is, and how lucky I got.

I also was able to travel to Japan this summer. For awhile I was nearly sure that I wouldn't be able to go. The prices of airline tickets kept rising and despite my paychecks it would not be nearly enough to cover the ticket, let alone traveling experiences when over there. Salvation came in the form of miracle from someone I never expected. It's fitting really, one of the people who I looked up to the most ended up helping me when I needed it the most, even after passing on. I won't go into a discussion about the great beyond, miracles, and afterlife but I will say that wherever this person is now, thank you. Most would say that you had nothing to do with this but I know better.

I had a rewarding experience. I got to see more of Japan beyond just the city and into the countryside. I got to meet people who lived a different than me. I got to plan my future, and get one step closer to my goal. I got to see what is was like living outside my comfort zone, thousands of miles away from home. It was kind of scary, it was exciting, it was the most memorable week of my life. Even now as I write this my mind thinks of Japan. Of Tokyo. Of the adventures and excitement which are contained within. I want to go back more than anything. I hope one day that I will.

It started out a little rocky and for awhile I feared that the summer would take a turn for the worst. Even with the early self doubt I never lost sight of my goal. I never tossed in the towel prematurely. I kept on the path and stuck to my guns even when I thought it was over. I'm glad I did. Now I'm ready to go back and finish the education I set out to accomplish. I still have a way to go but if this summer has proven anything, life is full of ups and downs to experience and lessons to be learned every day.

Life, it's a process after all.

The inspiration in my life

2010-07-11T22:02:00.000-07:00

Esquire has some damn good articles. From a magazine named Esquire one would expect articles on fancy clothing and expensive sports cars, and while they do feature articles like this, Esquire features a a variety of articles concerning health, culture, travel, food, sex, and many other abstract ideas. That is what I love about Esquire so much, variety. The amount of creative topics and people who are interviewed constantly astounds me. I hope this isn't some sign that I'm easily impressed and haven't exposed to a wide enough variety of magazines and articles, but I still cannot help but admire the variety. In the most recent issue had articles on Bill Clinton trying to fix Haiti, a man who is attempting to free fall from orbit to Earth, an article on Ana de la Reguera, on Terry Kneiss who beat the Price is Right, balancing the budget, surviving in a house with fifty million ants, America exiting the Iraq war, and an interview with David Blane. A sizable assortment of articles with topics as wide of a spectrum as you can cover.

There are a few articles which I don't particularly write, mainly in the writing. In the article about Clinton the introduction which is a page and a half of the writer talking about his trip to Haiti and his experiences. While some might find this interesting it was how I was taught NOT to write. I don't care about your experiences Tom Chiarella. I'm sure you're an interesting guy who has a lot to talk about but I didn't pick up this article to read about your experiences, I picked up to read about Bill Clinton and his experience with Haiti, if I want to I'll read about you in another article, not this one. I'm also not particularly fond of some of the features which are in the magazine every month mostly due to their pointlessness and relaying of information which could easily be found with a Google search but the main feature articles are terrific. Well written, with a clear journey and act structure and an attention grabbing introduction it's everything which makes a good magazine article, everything I struggle to write, and every idea I wish I could come up with.

Esquire continues to be an inspiration for me and in pursuing ideas for articles. It's also a constant reminder how far I have to go and what I have yet to accomplish, inspiring and humbling at the same time. Will I ever make it into Esquire? I can hope and I can dream. I can also work and never give up, pursue the dream and know that while some things may seem impossible, nothing is out of reach and the only way I'll go far in life is my own work ethic and my own two feet.

I may never make it in Esquire, but it will never stop me from being a writer. Maybe not a writer good enough for a big publication, but a writer nonetheless and as long as I have a way to write, writing is what I'll do. For myself.

And hopefully one day for others.

I feel like I need to write about something...

2010-06-28T19:23:00.000-07:00

Except I'm not quite sure what to write about. It's one of those nights again when I have a lot on my mind and no logical way for me to express myself. It's all one big jumble of anxiety and worries and the more I try to sort them out, the more they pile up and become more convulsed and twisted. It's giving me a headache just thinking about it and I dearly wish I could drop them and sleep peacefully tonight but I cannot. It is too late. They are on my mind and like a parasite sucking the life out of me, these anxiety filled thought are being siphoned out from the back of my mind to the forefront.

Usually when these feeling of anxiety or my gut starts acting up it usually means something bad is about to happen. Serious bad. Life changing bad. It's never failed me before and as many times as it has happened I always try to ignore it. Like Mr Hyde trying to creep up on and take over Dr. Jekyll it's always creeping in the back of my mind until the feeling of dread completely takes over and I am a nervous wreck. Carefully trying to observe the situation and make sure I don't make it any worse while also trying to gauge it back in my favor. It's like I'm dismantling a nuclear bomb, the slightest touch in the wrong place will send my world up in flames.

And then it's over. The thing I was so worried about ceases to exist. The problem goes away and in retrospect was never really that big of a deal to begin with. I work myself up only to be relieved and in a way. let down.

One day I won't worry as much. I'm sure my nerves and stomach will thank me.

The More I See the Less I Know

2010-06-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

My professor has been know to say this curious phrase from time to time. I always understood what he meant by this statement but I felt it never applied to me. I felt that I had a good grasp on what made people tick, do what they do, and a some explanation for their actions. I was foolish to believe this facade for I have recently realized that while there are many rational and level headed individuals I know, quite a few of them baffle the hell out of me.

I thought for a while that I should try to understand these people. Try to see where their motives come from and get to the bottom of their actions. No, just no. Stay away, stay the hell away. People can be irrational, sporadic with their actions and illogical with their feelings. It bothers me to no end, even though I have been stuck with these people (people as a whole not specific ones) since my birth. You think that after 22 years I'd understand some people better and in some cases I do, but then one person has to go and screw it up, act like an irrational basketcase, or make a statement about doing one thing and doing the complete opposite to ruin my perception once again.

Don't bother using logic in these situations either. Logic is like adding gasoline to an already blazing fire. You think you're helping and you think you're diffusing the situation but in reality you're making it worse, you're making the illogical feel attacked or threatened and now you have a stark raving lunatic angry for bringing up helpful suggestions or kind gestures. You're in the deep end now, there's no going back. Good luck trying to get out of this one unscathed. You won't.

This is just a small part of not understanding people, the sad thing is all of these people are close or were once close to me, I should know them. I should know their likes and dislikes but I come to a grim realization that I don't. I say they are acting irrational and maybe they are, but that doesn't help. It doesn't help them feel any better and it doesn't help you when you belittled for not fixing anything and feel like an idiot for even trying to help or even trying to be nice. It's so easy for them to have their problems and think for themselves but rarely do they ever realize who they are hurting or just how much they are hurting someone. In some cases they probably don't care. This is what I do understand about people, they always look out for themselves and care the most about their own self preservation and motivations. It's a stupid and pointless statement to make since it won't make anyone change but sometimes it leaves me so confused trying to figure out what went wrong and instead I end up with more of a mess then when I first started.

It's not going to get any easier. The more I understand as the years go on there will probably be even more that I do not understand.

Just some understanding, on part every now and then wouldn't hurt. I don't think it's asking for much.

Anger Explosion

2010-06-24T19:45:00.000-07:00

Writing is a outlet to vent sometimes, to complain to no one and everyone. To let my frustrations out the only way I know how without me opening my mouth and for the most part people not listening. It's a way to clear my mind of the major and insignificant which plague my thoughts and conscious. Little annoyances and major issues all meet in the middle and by the time I'm done I usually either feel much better or feel worse. Either way, it's off my chest, my stress level is down, and for the time being a slight opening for serenity.

Sometimes I don't even know what I am complaining about anymore, and sometimes I realize in the end that it was something stupid that for whatever reason got lodged in my brain as bothersome and wouldn't leave until it I forced it out. I wish I could understand what makes me tick, what gets me angry sometimes because in all honesty I don't know. I have heard before all things make people tick but not quite sure exactly why. I feel I'm lie this lately but no sooner than something starts to irk me it becomes a passing after thought and I feel fine.

I would like to say I'm crazy and that I'm just some crazy guy with anger issues out there, but that is not the case. In most cases I'm usually a calm guy and only under the most strenuous circumstances in a pubic setting do I visibly loose my cool.

Maybe it's the fact that I can't get out as much lately. Maybe it's the fact that I can't find anything inspiring. Perhaps it has to do with a slightly less desire to do things as well or maybe it's because I'm burnt out by my job, my daily routine. Not sure, these things never bothered me before. Maybe I finally snapped and crossed my limit with monotony. Maybe I'm just anxious for my trip.

The point is that I don't know why I feel this way sometimes but in the end it doesn't matter. The feelings of anger are replaced by feelings of content and calmness, proof that it never really mattered to begin with, and I probably shouldn't worry about it.

I'm feeling better already. This writing stuff does the trick.

The Serial Adventures of Ian Malcolm

2010-06-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'm seeing Toy Story 3. Besides glowing reviews from friends and critics alike I'm excited to see Toy Story not for my love of the series, which I do enjoy very much, not for Pixar, not for the 3D, and not for the characters. I'm excited to see Toy Story 3 because of the personal memories, personal nostalgia. Nostalgia for a time when I was younger, when I had some of the best toys in the world and how much time was spent playing with them.

When I was a young boy two of my favorite things were Star Wars and dinosaurs, coincidently at this time I was an avid watcher of both Jurassic Park and the Star Wars trilogy on VHS. Every week I would receive an allowance of $5. With that $5 I would accompany my mom or dad to the store and after walking through the store buying groceries and other necessities we would eventually make our way to the toy aisle or as I called it The Star Wars aisle. I would use my allowance to buy a Star Wars action figure. One weekend it would be Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, the next weekend an Imperial Sandtrooper. After a period of time I built up a sizable army of action figures and combined with my Transformers and dinosaurs, material for unlimited hours of adventures.

My favorite action figure was from Jurassic Park, his name was Ian Malcolm and he was awesome. He had a jet backpack which fired a retractable missile and came with a baby T-Rex. Two reasons which made him my favorite of all the figures. I made him president of my younger brother's Hot Wheel city and future chancellor of the galaxy. Along with vice president Han Solo they ruled the world with benevolence and peace. Whenever the dastardly Darth Vader and his army of Stormtroopers and Boba Fett warriors threatened world peace or when the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park threatened to attack the city these two were on the scene. Of course the army of Hot Wheels city consisted of random Star Wars heroes, autobots, green army men, and GI Joes. It was all of my favorite franchises fighting to defend peace and justice. It was better than any of the TV shows and movies could ever hope to be.

I look back at those times as an adult and every now and then look at some of my old toys which I held on to over the years. I may look at them and admire them for the happy memories they provided me, but I will never play with them. I never can. It will never be the same, the amount of fun, the naivety on how the world works, and just the simplicity of good versus evil. I understand too much now, I see how the world really is and how the world really works. I can never go back to that wonderland, for if I do I'll be just as bad as Darth Vader and Megatron. Destroying the peaceful balance of the world with the harsh truth and cynical world views.

I envy kids sometimes, I really do.

Dad Day

2010-06-20T18:53:00.001-07:00

Today was father's day or as my parents like to call it "just another day". It's strange, my parents were never big on celebrating holidays except for the bigger ones such as Christmas and Thanksgiving. When it came to days like this or even their own birthdays they could usually care less and never really put any emphasis on its importance. All they asked was a simple "happy father's/mother's day" and some kindness towards them that day. Some gifts are given and times are spent together but still not a big deal and it never has been.

As I got older I always wondered why this was so, why the lack of importance on what is one of the few days they have dedicated to them. For awhile I feared that maybe parenting has lost its luster for them and instead was a bitter reminder of what they have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Of course me being more cynical back then brought on this delusion and for a short while I foolishly believed this. It was a minor comment my mother made later on which opened my eyes on why they had such a strong indifference to parental holidays.

One day I was with my mother watching a random television show on raising children. I can't remember the name but I do remember that the parents in particular had a lot of children, all of them very young, and all of them requiring a large amount of attention and care on the parents part. I commented on how the parents must not have a life and how sometimes it must absolute misery to deal with the children.

"Sure it probably is," said my mother. "But no matter what I'm sure they don't mind. They are still probably very happy."

I asked my mother why she thought this. Her reply was simple. They loved their kids. They love their kids so much that they would be willing to support them, be with them, and spend their time with them every opportunity they could afford. Every moment spent with their kids was a joy and it makes it that much harder when they get hurt, become sick, are sad, or leave the parents to blaze their own life.

My mother and father felt this way about us, and it finally hit me just how much they cared about us, their children. How much joy we brought them despite sometimes being pains in the asses, and how much they truly missed us when we were gone.

So father's day I brought exactly what my father wanted, time spent with his children. He had a good day and I had a good day too.

It's a great thing when someone cares about you so much. My parents are truly unselfish people, and that's what I love them for.

Happy Father's Day. Here's to a lot more.

She can kill her smile, she can wound with her eyes...

2010-06-15T21:16:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocKE_hy6jxI&feature=related

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child,
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me

Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

I used to think that this song was a sad song. A song about a man trapped in a relationship where the woman in the song treated him badly yet he still loved her anyway. After listening again it seems that the angle of the song is that while she is flawed, he doesn't mind. He still loves her despite the flaws.

Anyway great song, sad but true. A stinging, bittersweet reminder of the ups and down of infatuation and love.

(94) of 90: The Year of...

2010-06-10T00:23:00.000-07:00

I've noticed a trend among some of my writing friends. That trend is pro activity. It's moving forward, it's making positive changes to their lives. It's their year of health, friends, or change. At first it appeared to be nothing more than a update through Facebook or Twitter but as the months went on I noticed that not only were they sticking to their original plans but they were making others as well. They were succeeding in making themselves better people and I was impressed.

I made an agreement to myself that this summer would be a summer not spent in recluse. That I would do everything in my power to make sure that my summer was maximized to it's fullest potential. I made it a goal to learn everyday, to expand my horizons everyday and to do what I usually don't do, to go off the beaten path and make the choices which may not always be safe. I'm not saying that I'm going to go and do anything dangerous or illegal but my thought process and my experience process is slowly but surely undergoing a change.

I realized that my summer while being used as a vacation should also be used as an opportunity to grow as well, a period where I am free to learn what I want to learn and experience what I want to experience without other educational and extra curricular obligations. The summer should be a period where I care more about my own health, since I have ample time to now maintain a healthy lifestyle. The summer should be a period where I connect with friends and keep in touch with old ones as well. If there's one thing that can be said about me is that I usually do a pretty poor job keeping in touch with long distance friends. This process flip flops depending on where I'm at be it school or back home.

The changes are coming slowly but like many other things in my life, progress is progress and that being said is also a process. The improvements don't come overnight nor do their improvements become immediate apparent. These things take time and effort. It seems daunting now and in some cases pointless but as Malcolm Gladwell once said "Hard work is only a prison sentence if it does not have meaning."

Will I succeed at my plans? I hope so. Have I made progress yet? Yes, indeed I have. Do I plan on sticking to my plan? Yes I do. For how long? As long as it takes, until I feel that the deeds are done and the right amount of progress has been made.

It seems like I'm always on some never ending road to a goal which is always out of reach. This does not bother me. Instead it tells me that there's something of worth not yet in my life that is still out there. Something worth working hard for, making myself a better person for.

The work and the search continue on, but damn if I don't have a interesting journey along the way, and memorable experiences from my past.

"Practice isn't the thing you do once you're good. It's the thing you do which makes you good."- Malcolm Gladwell... again.

(93) of 90: The super sounds of the 50's and 60's

2010-06-05T08:22:00.000-07:00

I think I may have found my new love for the summer. It's the songs of the 50's and 60's. I am not a stranger to these songs. In fact it's all I listened to for a portion of my younger days. My father constantly listened to a steady flow of oldies hits, jazz, and occasionally classical pieces. The weekends spent with my father running errands with him usually consisted of driving from place to place with oldies playing in the background. The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Smokey Robinson, and the Temptations were frequent musical guests along for the ride. For the longest time I never knew any other kind of music. This was the only music in my life and I accepted it as that.

The years went on and as I grew older I started listening to more modern music. It was not long before I grew into the music of my generation and started to listen to the older stuff less frequently, I still had a few older songs which I liked but the time spent listening to 50's and 60's music was slowly being replaced by more modern music.

By the time high school was over and I was about to start college my musical tastes changed. Punk, indie rock, and underground rap replaced my older music tastes. It was during this time my opinion of older music changed as well. I started thinking 50's music was annoying and it's lyrics were uninspiring and cliche. Sure, I knew that essentially 50's music were the originators of modern pop but I still considered it a waste of time to listen to when there was more moder, cutting edge stuff out there.

Now is the summer of 2010 and I have learned the error of my ways. Music from the 50's and 60's is fantastic and in some ways, more soulful and containing more heat in their lyrics than modern pop.

There's a strong argument that modern pop has gone to the dogs and is generic and similar sounding to each other. I have for the most part never been a strong fan of pop, I think that's why as of lately I like this stuff so much. It's a little like pop, but with more influences or blues, early R and B and rock. Lyrically the influence of blues and R and B is apparent too. Listen to James Brown's Papa's Got a Brand New Bag. Jazz and R and B throughout the entire song. The Everly Brother's Cathy's Clown sad lyrics combined with their almost mournful wailing of a lover who has become separated from them makes an almost country like woe is me lyrics and vocals.

Not sure if it's the circumstances or just a craving for new music but revisiting the past has been a treat and is something I'm looking forward to doing more of this.

(92) of 90: Everyday I feel (edit)

2010-06-03T23:35:00.000-07:00

(91) of 90: Breakup

2010-05-31T00:17:00.000-07:00

It came out of nowhere. There were signs but they were slight. There were some warning but I payed them no mind, in retrospect they were obvious but I did not see them and I did not hear them. Maybe I knew about them all along and I just chose not to listen or not to see, to ignore the and prolong the very thing which was soon coming to a head. It was the horrible car ride home. It was the break up.

She came over to the house like many times before. She talked to me and ate dinner like before. Afterwards we went out for ice cream and talked there. Everything was fine until the car ride back and the stop in front of my house, that's where I heard the bad news.

"I think we should break up."

"Why?" says I trying to keep my cool.

" I feel that our relationship is better served as friends and we should see other people. I feel that the romantic spark is gone."

I say some other pointless bablings before settling on "As long as that makes you happy."

I awkwardly left after a few more minutes and a few more spoken break up cliches, forgot to mention the it's not you or your fault one .

Then she drove off. She said to keep in touch and to still hang out. I'll probably do neither, at least for now. It's only the second time it's happened but I usually want my space after something like this, at least to clear my head. It's not like you stick your finger back in the socket after being shocked.

I should have done more. I just gave up and gave a weak response as a final farewell. I could have easily made an argument. Tried to work things out and make them for the best but I didn't. I didn't put up a fight nor did I question the sudden lack of romantic spark, when I still very much felt it.

I told her that no matter how I felt it wasn't up to me it was her, as long as she was happy.

I remember saying that before to my previous ex. saying nearly the exact same words before the breakup turned ugly.

I don't know what it is with me and being with someone but so far I'm two for two for things not working out. I think I'm like vinegar. I taste good on some things but after awhile I'm fucking vinegar and I taste bitter and am unappealing on everything.

I wish I knew why, but I may never know. I wish I can feel better right now but I don't. I don't know how to feel and I don't know how to react. I feel numb and unsure of what to do next. My entire summer seems pointless now and my entire school year equally pointless.

I feel awful and all I can do is write about it.

"The one truism is that the earth continues to spin despite our pain or joy."

Fucking earth

(90) of 90: Closing Time

2010-05-21T22:51:00.000-07:00

This is it. This is the end. This is where I end up being a slightly better writer than before and a slightly more insightful outlook on my life. Have I succeeded? Have I achieved all of my goals? Yes, I believe I have.

90 days ago my magazine writing professor gave a me a challenge. I don't want to say I was put on the spot, but I was in a position where if I said no, I would have looked very bad, and probably would have had to trade in my writers card that day for Brad to stomp on and call several colorful words for a quitter. I wisely chose to take the challenge, and I am very glad I did.

When I began I never realized how hard it would be to write everyday. How hard it would be to plumb into the depths of my brain and put my thoughts and emotions into words, for the world to read. To write when I was angry, when I was depressed. To write when I was discouraged in my schoolwork, with my writing, with my life. I never knew how hard it would be to write when I was tired, when I could barely muster the strength to stay awake as my tired words found their way from mind to keyboard.

Writing has been very rewarding as well. It's allowed me to improve my writing slowly. To improve my rhythm and my pacing. To come up with fresh ideas on a daily basis and have them completed in a timely manner. To find out that I had an audience who actually read my blogs, some of whom read them everyday. Writing has also helped me towards finding my writing voice, something which I am struggling to do and am only slightly more successful towards my goal. Writing has kept me on task, kept me with a daily goal to look forward to.

I remember being drunk and barely conscious, but the first thing I wanted to do when I got home was to write about it. I remember watching an excellent movie, listening to an excellent song, or playing a great video game and wanting to write about it to share my thoughts with the world. I remember the feelings of being in love, and being head over heels for someone and wanting to dance around my dorm and write about the sugary sweet feeling on gets from it. I remember being so discouraged with some things in my life that I wanted to just give up, instead I wrote my angst and sorrow down. Not sure if anyone read it or took away the emotion I meant to convey with it , but I wrote it down and felt better about it.

I wrote about my parents, I wrote about my friends, I wrote about my girlfriend. I wrote about my professor, an ass slapper, people I loved, and people that I despised. I wrote about things deep from my soul and I wrote about nonsense. I wrote and wrote again. I wrote with no topics or be objective, No ulterior motive or mission, just to become a better writer than the day before.

The 90 days may be over but this will not be the last time I will write. I will still continue to write everyday. To read everyday. To learn everyday.

To Brad: Thank you for making me a better writer and a wiser person. The road wasn't always smooth but I made it in once piece.

To Sam and Abe: You guys are like me. You stuck to your goals and are almost done. You guys have become better writers over your 90 days.

To Tiffany: You were one of the inspirations to be a better writer. Your posts were always insightful and inspiring.

To Dave and others who are just beginning their 90 days challenge: Good luck, you are about to embark on a great writing crusade.

To all the people who read my posts: Thank you for being patient with me and trying to understand me. It's not always easy or convenient, so I appreciate it.

I am a writer. I still have stories to write, stories to show to the world, places to go and people to meet. I am a writer. Words are my tools. It's in me now and will never leave. I am not a good writer, I am not even an average writer. I'm a writer trying to become better with every paragraph I write, every sentence I complete, and every word I print. I am not a good writer. I am a bad writer trying to become better.

But I am a writer regardless, and that is what I'll be until the end of my days.

90 down, o more to go

(89) of 90: Love's Lorn Lost

2010-05-21T00:05:00.000-07:00

Spoke to another friend today. It seems to be a pleasant change for me lately. Usually it's pretty rare for me to be very sociable with friends once I get back home, but for whatever reason lately I've been using some of my free time to meet with friends I haven't seen in awhile. They seem happy to see me as I am to see them. It's a positive change in my life to be sure. One I hope I can continue throughout the years.

The conversation was pretty pleasant, our usual fare. Games, work, school, life, and one we usually don't talk about: love. This is a topic we usually don't bring up and usually don't dwell on too long, but toady was different. My friend had a lot on his mind, and I was there to listen and learn.

He recently went through a breakup with his girlfriend. He talked about that he wanted to break up because he wasn't feeling the spark anymore. He wasn't feeling that feeling of being with someone you want to spend time with. He wasn't feeling happy anymore.

He went on to tell me that we was interested in some other girls but he still wasn't sure. He was on the edge in deciding and never felt too sure on whether he should move forward or just stay single. He mentioned that he wasn't happy at being in between, in limbo. He never could be comfortable on the middle ground, that is being single or being in a relationship, even an unhappy relationship.

I didn't know what to tell him then. I couldn't tell him any advice because I usually am not experienced enough to give advice in this area. I wanted to tell him to stay single. Why be with someone who isn't going to make you happy? I also wanted to tell him to really think about the people he was interested in. Would he really be happy with them? Would he really be happy just by being with someone?

We left with no solution. I went home without offering a single solution and while I think he will be ok and make the right decision as I went home later on I realized what I should have told him. Something that I was told once and have kept in my mind ever since I was told.

"Live you life for yourself. Don't live it for your parents, your friends, or significant other. Live life for yourself."

Why is it that I can never think of something cool to say when the time is necessary?

Hopefully this gets better in time, because right now my timing is a little off.

89 down, 1 more to go

(88) of 90: To see them leave, to see them grow

2010-05-20T02:46:00.000-07:00

Today I had the chance to say goodbye to one of my longtime friends. He just finished college and within a short amount of time between graduating and coming home he was moving to Texas to get a job, a job that will pay him well and earn him a foot in the door and an opportunity to move up through the job ladder.

It wasn't until today that I realized that just how fast we are moving forward. How fast that we are quickly coming towards the end of our college career. How fast we are approaching the next chapter of our lives. It's something that you never really think about and yet when it happens it happens with the effect of cold water to the face. Sudden and harshly. The future is fast approaching and I wonder if I'm ready.

I know I always talk about moving on and the future. I always am looking forward to the next step in my life and yet I;m never thinking about how fast it is approaching and I never think about if I'm actually ready to move on when the time comes.

I have a feeling that as much as I'm anxious to get out of college and start out in the work force it will turn into one of those moments where one day I'll look back and miss the simpler times. The times before a career, bills, and a deadline. I shouldn't want to rush to the future so fast, I need to slow down and take in what's around me.

Because soon I'll be like my friend, ready to start a career at a moment's notice and leave my friends and family behind. Ready to embark to some place where I'll probably never see some of my friends again. Ready to leave this relatively safe life behind for a life more dangerous, more adventurous, and hopefully more rewarding.

The roses have been in front of me for a long time, now it's time to actually smell them.

88 down, 2 more to go

(87) of 90: The Otherside

2010-05-19T11:02:00.001-07:00

Last night was one weird night, and if you count me sleeping, one weird morning as well. Last night I ended up falling asleep early, I guess I still haven't caught up on all of my sleep yet and thus explained why I dell asleep earlier than I normally do.That wasn't too weird, what was weird were the events which followed afterwards. I distinctly remember having a nightmare which seemingly lasted the entire night. It wasn't one of those nightmares where you can remember bits and chunks and all of the events are random. This was a nightmare where it carried on through the entire night.

In this nightmare I was in a class room full of people, all of whom I did not recognize. I remember it being in a high rise because when I looked out the window I could see the people walk by below. I remember being in that said classroom long enough to see the outside sky and watch it change from a overcast day to a pitch black night. Inside the teacher at the head of the class was making everyone come up and do an oral report in front of the class. For some reason it had to be perfect in her eyes and if a single mistake or long pause in speech happened, she would make you start over again. This kid who was in front of the class and looked like he was about to snap, had repeated the same speech several times. I then remember the classroom started shaking violently, chairs and tables started flying around the room and the students started to scream and try to dodge the flying furniture as best they could to no success. I remember being violently being tossed around the room from floor to wall to ceiling.

I then work up later on much earlier that I usually wake up, around 8AM. Not only was it weird for me to willingly wake up so early but also to feel like I did. I was covered in sweat, my body ached all over, and my head throbbed like a it had been hit with a sledgehammer. I stumbled up the stairs to use the bathroom and made my way back down to my bed before I passed out again.

I started dreaming again this time I was in a small town with another group of people whom I did not recognize. The sky was overcast again and buildings lay in ruin all around me. I remember going up to a man and asking him where I was and what had happened. He said to me "Son, this town just got hit by nothingness. We're all going to the other side soon." I started to walk away from him after that statement and noticed that the town had suddenly gotten freezing cold. I was shivering so hard that I thought I might fall over from shaking so much.

I woke up again to my mother calling me. I was wrapped in my blanket and was freezing cold I was shivering, I walked up the stairs again and saw a bright sunny day outside. I sat down at the kitchen table and still felt horrible. I ached, my head throbbed, and I was still covered in sweat and cold. I tried to take some pain medicine but much to my surprise I couldn't even swallow it without two or three tries. I was about to go to the bathroom and this is what stuck in my mind for the rest of the day. My mother looking at me says to me: "Son, you look like you went over to the other side."

I think it's official. I went to the other side in my sleep. Wherever that is. It must have taken a hell of a toll on my body because as I write this I still feel awful.

I'm never going again, it sucks there.

87 down, 3 more to go

(87) of 90:

2010-05-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

(86 )of 90: My new enemy

2010-05-17T22:23:00.000-07:00

I have a new enemy it is Tokyo, and my inability to get there despite my greatest attempts to plan ahead of time. One minute I think I'm ready to head over, the other I discover there is something wrong with my plan and it's large enough to prevent my departure. One minute it's money, the next it's a schedule conflict, the next it's being told to stay home where it's safer and cheaper. Thanks for the advice but I 'd rather go. Not that I don't like it here, I like it just fine but this has been something I have planned for months, worked to get for months, and thought about nearly everyday and to now have a suddenly slip from my grasp, it's a little disheartening.

It's why I am scraping the bottom of the barrel trying to save, beg, and borrow nearly every scrap of money I can afford to let go to try to fund this trip. I look everyday to see an affordable price and while the prices don't seem that bad, I still don't have enough without ignoring this new obligation (complication) which has popped up.

I suppose I should just shrug it off and call it an event that happened. A slight deviation from the master plan and something I should just play by ear. If it works out then it works out, if not then not. There's could be much worse happening and people have it much worse and I shouldn't be complaining. I am very thankful for what I have and am very happy.

But damn it, it's another plan that's gone wrong in my life. It's another disappointment, another plan that didn't work out, another case of me putting my life on hold and sitting out another opportunity. It's not all bad but I still can't help but feel a little...sad.

Look what you did Tokyo! You turned this post into one of a 16 year old complaining about how life is unfair! I'll get you for this Tokyo! Mark my words.

Ill get you and see you, one day again. Someday.

86 down, 4 more to go

(85) of 90: EGM

2010-05-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

I think the greatest thing which ever came to my mailbox on a regular basis when I was younger was a copy of EGM, Electronic Gaming Monthly. When I was even younger I always looked forward to Nintendo Power, which was up until EGM, the greatest magazine I ever read. I still enjoyed looking at Nintendo Power later on in life but after awhile I got tired of it. I got tired of hearing about the same Nintendo games over and over again. I was older. I have a Playstation now. I wanted to hear about other games like Metal Gear Solid or Half Life. I was a big boy in my mind, playing games which clearly said on the back for ages 17 and over. Man I sure was grown up, and I wanted a magazine to match my clearly misguided views.

One day after a normal trip to the grocery store I come back with a copy of Electronic Gaming Monthly. On the cover, a picture of Link, Mario, and Samus. The topic: The future of Nintendo's Franchises. "Oh great," I thought to myself. When was I going to escape the kiddy poison known as Nintendo and hang with the big dogs. Inside I was amazed to read not only in-depth previews of said Nintendo games, but games for PS2 and even the future release of X-Box with games such as Dead or Alive 3 and Halo: Combat Evolved. My mind was officially blown, there's another video game console coming out? It's made by Microsoft? EGM had forever grabbed my attention and after some slight begging and willingness to forfeit some of my allowance, I was a proud new subscriber to EGM.

If that issues was a gateway into the world of gaming beyond Nintendo, the next issue was a history lesson to gaming history. EGM ran it's 100 greatest games ever made, and while it was clearly all up to opinion and when looking back at it now some of the choices seem a little suspect, it did something which forever changed the way I look and play games. It made me want to revisit the past, to see the past games and see what made them so great, see how games became the way they were today, and to see the beginning of the industry to where it currently was.

For the next several years I became a video game historian, and archeologist for old games. Using every source I could and looking through dozens of magazines, internet articles, and eBay and Amazon listing for old video games. I was still excited about future releases and the future of the gaming industry but for a time the past had me fascinated and actually through searching made me accidently discover what soon became some of my favorite games ever.

EGM still continued to be there for me throughout high school, it was a read that accompanied me throughout my study hall days and towards the beginning of college. EGM eventually went under and I eventually moved onto internet based gaming sites for news but EGM started the whole trend of me wanting to not just play games but learn about the industry, the people involved, and the work behind the scenes which goes into making one of my favorite pastimes.

EGM not too long ago made a comeback and from looking through the first issue I can tell the content is great. I like the focus on the industry itself rather than on previews and reviews which nearly every other gaming publication does. It's nice to see something come back from the past again, something which was such a big impact on my hobby and for the most part early adult life.

Here's to another 10 years of great gaming news. Hopefully even more. EGM you have and always will have a lifetime fan in me.

85 down, 5 more to go

(84) of 90: The Hangover

2010-05-16T21:23:00.000-07:00

My head is screaming. My stomach is a raging of acid and knives. My mouth taste like smoke and bitter wheat. My legs feel like gummy worms trying to support 135 pounds of weight. Whenever I turn my head I get dizzy, it feels like my head is floating in in a sea of bourbon with a smoky haze in the background. It's official, I'm hungover.

I manage to make it in the door. I struggle to take of my shoes and I slowly make my way to the stairs, my destination is the shower. I stumble around in the dark. My vision is poor, nothing but darkness in front of me and the stairs are nowhere in sight. My brother keeps insisting the stairs are right in front of me. I find them and began my trek up the stairs.

Why is it so hard to walk a straight line? It's just a set of stairs, you've walked up them millions of time before both in the dark and the daylight. It's still impossible to walk a straight line. Thank God for the walls on the side otherwise I'd tumble down them. Hours later I reach the top and make my way to the shower. Before I enter, my father begins to talk to me. Try as I might I cannot hear or understand him. Why doesn't he make any sense? I think I hear something about home...late...car... but it's all I can make out. "Don't worry I'll take care of it tomorrow." I manage to mumble out the corner of my mouth. Now it's hard to talk too? My mouth is full of cotton and feels just as dry. Water, I need water.

Into the shower I go. The warm water feels like a thousand small, warm brushes gently stroking my skin. It feels amazing. This is how peace should feel, this is comfort should feel. If only it could last forever. I finally decide that I have soaked enough and step out. I try to dry myself off, sudden movements make me feel like the earth has been tilted off its axis. I have to sit down again, why did everything speed up again?

I head down the stairs, a much easier task than going up. I go to my bedroom and close the door. The bed feels so good. I think I planned on doing something, eating something or watching something before I went to bed, but I couldn't stay awake any longer and I fell asleep.

Alcohol, making the simplest tasks Everest-esque treks.

I will never drink again.

Until next time.

8 down, 6 more to go

(83) of 90: The downtime

2010-05-15T02:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but I do love my downtime. It feels great to be productive, to be active, and to be able to say you put forth an effort and got a result but I do love occasionally sitting and doing nothing at all. Pondering and contemplating, sitting in the quiet, the isolation and keeping my thoughts to myself which are not anywhere as important as one might usually get from this kind of activity.

Sometimes it won't be entirely quiet. Sometimes it'll be aimlessly looking on the internet for nothing. Sometimes it'll be watching TV, while really watching nothing at all. Other times it will be playing a video game, wasting enemy after enemy not thinking twice about all of the digital lives I have eliminated from the face of the digital earth. For me it's not an exercise in protecting or warfare, merely another way to zone off in my own through while being preoccupied at the same time. Sorry guys, better luck next gaming session.

I often loose track of time doing this, sometimes zoning out until I realize that the night is over and the dawn is creeping slowly up on me. Tiny beacons of blue light shine dimly through the window, a prelude to the sun which will rise above the horizon in a few short hours.

I loose track of time and wait to write before I go to bed. Often I do this to make sure that I can talk about what is on my mind and it is still fresh. Other times I wait until the end and still have nothing to write about, nothing to express through my writing, and afterwards I usually end up writing more than if I had a preplanned topic. Writing seems to be funny that way, we often seem to write about nothing and it ends becoming something in the end. The beginning of meandering bull shitting, page filling nonsense and ends up a substance filled post about doing nothing.

I think this post was a paradox and in writing about doing nothing it actually amounted to something. What that something is and how relevant it is to me is not clear, but I do know it gave me something to write about and something to think about as the morning creeps in and sleep is still absent from my body.

It's interesting where your brain goes at 5 in the morning.

83 down. 7 more to go

(82) of 90: It's always hard coming back

2010-05-14T02:07:00.000-07:00

One week. It's been one week since writing academically. Since writing for someone else besides myself. One week. One week and I already find it weird to be writing for a source which isn't a blog or my own personal writings. I don't think I'm used to ever writing this much during the summer or on any break. It's a weird feeling and a bit of a change for me to get used to, but I like it. It's a change for the better and I feel that it's a change which is going to help me greatly in the long run.

Not to say that writing my first article was very difficult, it took a little over two hours after researching, proofreading, re-reading it again. It just felt a little unusual to be writing an academic like article that won't earn me a grade. Sure it'll earn me a paycheck but I can't help shake the weird feeling of writing something like this when I'm usually relaxing and doing well, nothing.

I like it though, I feel great. My summers now have purpose, they have a goal for me to shoot for everyday. Two goals if you count the remaining of my 90 in 90. My summer feel fulfilling and they feel meaningful now. I will be able to keep on learning throughout the summer and apply my skills and knowledge outside of the classroom. I will be able to make the most out of my days and while I'll still be able to have fun here and there, the learning process will keep on going for throughout the year. Something I haven't been able to do for the longest time.

Tomorrow and the weekend are already booked. Spending time with friends and more writing. i also am trying to catch up on a stack of movies which I have not yet dug into. oh, and there's still Bayonetta and Heavy Rain waiting to be finished, among dozens of other games which I have started over the years and not had the chance to finish.

Busy schedule already and it's only the first week of break. I think I'm doing a good job already. Keep it up Kyle, keep it up.

82 down, 8 more to go

(81) of 90: The dream is finally coming true.

2010-05-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

The first week back and I'm already making progress. Monday I was invited to be a column writer for Greening of oil, an environmental magazine. It's fairly new and starting up but it feels great to know that my writing has been considered good enough to be print worthy. After many months of submitting, getting rejected, being told that my writing is awful, being told that it's great but still going nowhere, it's finally coming together. If that wasn't great enough, another local magazine named Valparaiso Magazine also is interested in me as well. I called today and told the editor who I was and what I wanted to do. She sounded enthusiastic and told me to send in my writing, because they always need new freelance writers.

It's all happening so fast and actually, just like I was told but never believed. I can remember months ago when I thought my writing was god awful, my writing professor was shouting at me "Why do you hate me?", and my long sleepless nights where I would write, write, and rewrite my writing and still not like it. Back then I didn't believe it wold pay off, and for awhile I doubted if I would ever make it as a writer because I was convinced I never would.

I still think my writing lacks a lot of things which make writing good. I don't have a voice and even though I have been writing for nearly 81 days, everyday and more if you count school writings it still lacks a voice to identify it as my own. I still have trouble making my stories flow, making the hero's journey and other things which make writing good.

I'm not a good writer, that is what I tell everyone. I tell them I am only a slightly better writer than I was the day before and I try my hardest to get better everyday.

But someone thinks I'm good enough, and that makes me happy. I must be doing SOMETHING right.

81 down, 9 more to go

(80) of 90: Arcade Fire

2010-05-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

Every time I look at a light gun game or even a 2D sprite based fighting game, it makes me long for the days of the arcade, how it's a life support based method of gaming and even where it still remains somewhat popular: Japan, it still is slowly dying out. I miss the arcades.

An arcade gaming experience is unlike any other gaming experience a gamer could ever experience. It's the perfect gap between the casual gamer and the hardcore gamer in a similar setting. It's the bright flash of bombastic lights and sounds like some miniature Vegas beckoning excitement chasers with some tokens in the pocket.

It's a way to play games that can't be matched with just a simple keyboard and mouse or controller. It's a full sized cockpit that that rotates and lights up that plays Afterburner. It's a bright flashing DJ turntable letting you play the latest version of Beatmania. It's the over sized plastic assault riffle that lets you take out terrorists, zombies, and robots with the efficiency of Jack Bauer.

It's the people you will run into there, the kids and adults all playing with and against each other. It's forty something business men playing street Fight II and high school kids playing Street Fighter IV and Gundam. It's high school girls shouting with delight as they get the high score on DDR. It's all matter of gamers of all age groups getting together and playing games.

Even the smells of the arcade are unmistakable. The smells of smoke, cherry slushies, hot pretzels, and the slight metallic smell of tokens being spit out of a coin exchange machine.

It's an unmistakable atmosphere that attacks all of the senses and gives gamers a full sensory experience that X-Box Live and Playstation Network will never offer. It's a experience that I remember more than any other.

I miss the arcades.

80 down, 10 more to go

(79) of 90: Age of Machines

2010-05-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

I like to think that I know enough about computers to survive with them. To know what to do if something goes wrong and to know how to deal with all of the little kinks and tics that computers develop over time. However every once in awhile a problem come along which make me throw my hands up in the air and want to hurl the computer across the room.

It started as a simple task, to wipe a computer and start over fresh. Sounds easy enough right? Surely I thought so as I went over to Sam's place to start the lengthy but simple process. If only I knew what I was getting myself into.

I started the sequence to restart the computer to factory setting and it was unsuccessful. I tried looking for how to do it online just in case I was doing it wrong, I even called the Dell customer support and no avail. I thought I knew what I was doing but I guess not, I came to the conclusion that it needed the disk what appeared to be missing, and I did the best with what I had by defragmenting the thing and hoping for the best.

I always wonder that if we are to survive as a people dependent of technology, are we knowledgeable enough to master the technology which we have built for ourselves? Will we one day become slaves to our very instruments we have created? The architects of our own demise?

Okay, that is being a little alarmist and melodramatic, I think the point I wanted to make out of this post is that it still amazes me how we think we know about something, and how we believe we are knowledgeable in a subject, only to have us look like fools a minute later. Knowledge is ever growing, and ever expanding. what we think we know and what we actually do know are pretty far apart.

I like to think I'm not a dumb guy, but man do I still have a lot to learn.

And all it took was a stupid little computer procedure.

79 down, 11 more to go

(78) of 90: Hitting the ground running

2010-05-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

I swear sometimes I think I am cursed with the inescapable bad luck syndrome. Nothing particular bad happens to me but it sure feels like that some opportunities and situations are overlapping with one another and therefore making accomplishing any of them difficult.

Take today, Mother's day of course which I have no problem with, but combined with her working the night shift last night made her tired and not really in a celebrating mood, poor mom. After finding this out I decided to use this day to just lounge out and relax with the plan of researching ideas for my article pitches on Monday, after about an half hour of researching I realized that if I was going to pitch I would need to actually do some more research than just what I found on the internet and databases, this was to a local magazine, they would most likely already be familiar with the businesses and attractions of the town, I'd have to find some individual stories from the respective places, or as I was taught "Get off my ass and knock on doors".

But wait! I said I would hang out with Samantha on Monday. Now is where I come to the crossroads, do I wait to pitch my articles to the magazine who may potentially publish their summer issue any day now, or do I stick to my original plan. Stupidly I decided to deviate and work on the articles. Until I found out that Sam needed her computer fixed and needed some assistance in doing so. That was enough to change my mind back to the original plan.

I still had a chance to make it all work though, I'll just call like I originally said and call the editor in the morning, at least I could tell them my idea and see if I even made the deadline to the summer issue, but oh crap I picked up a job application to turn in before they start hiring. Oh geeze...

The moral of this story is that I need to do a much better job planning and managing my time. It's just the start of the summer and I already am messing up mine and other people's schedules. Not a good way to start out. I need to get my but and my planning into gear. no need for other people to suffer because of my ill planning. So if I pissed of anyone over the course of trying to make things fit, I apologize. Know that it is not my attention at all to piss of anyone, that's the last thing I need and the last thing I would ever want to do to the awesome people in my life.

PS: Iron Man 2 was a ton of fun, I had a blast.

78 down, 12 more to go

(77) of 90: Too tired

2010-05-08T23:57:00.000-07:00

As I write this I keep dozing off in my bed. I mean to keep staying awake, but I guess fatigue still has another plan for me. I really tried to stay awake longer but it seems that I can no longer stay awake.

I think it's finally started to set in how difficult this challenge is. It comes at the end of semester where my thoughts no longer dwell on certain school related issues and problems. This makes it very difficult to write and very difficult to come up with stuff most people don't get the chance to interact with in their mind and to express it through writing.

I am incredibly random and sporadic in my writing under fatigue. I write about the most off the wall experiences and events. It's always fun to go back the next morning to see just what you wrote the night before in liu of your crazed writing experience.

This is another short one, but damn if I'm not tired.

77 down, 13 more to go

(76) of 90: The return to the homestead

2010-05-08T14:36:00.000-07:00

I have to double up again. I would have done a post last night by I was so exhausted from an all-nighter and moving my stuff back home. Combine that with a late departure (more so than what I am used to) and you have one tired person who's late night activity involved collapsing and sleeping.

I am glad to be back. I can start working on my stuff and doing what I want to do on my own time. I might not be making as much money as I originally planned, but I will be busy and I will be productive. Of course some leisure time will sneak in as well and the obligatory summer movie viewing with friends. I even hear words of some friends from downstate coming up to visit sometime later in the summer. A nice meeting later on in the summer, after I have cleansed my pallet of people from Ball State for awhile.

Much to my delight I was able to discover two local magazine exclusive to my town. It's time for pitching and time for hopefully getting something published. I plan to call the editor this Monday to go over my article ideas with him so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

It's good to be home. Back to safety, back to relaxation, and back to the company of friends and family. Last winter break was a great one which I did all I could to maximize time with friends and family. That was a few weeks, I now have three months. It's going to be great.

And Iron Man 2 tonight. Now that's a way to start off the summer.

76 down, 14 more to go

(75) of 90: A year in review: The best of times, the worst of times

2010-05-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

The school year is finally over. The tests, projects, school activities, parties, and other forms of merriment. It's been a crazy year to say the least, but it's also been one of my most important years which has contributed to my growth. For as much as what has happened, it still feels like the year has gone by too fast and that there should be one more month for me to say what I have to say and spend time with the appropriate people before I go on hiatus with them for awhile. On the other hand I'm glad that the end of the year is here. This semester has been one of the hardest ones with projects, writings, and AASA activities to complete. I still feel exhausted from all of the fashion show and week of events activities I had to put together with the help of many other people. Oh the conflict, but anyway on to the year.

Loved

Meeting New People: I met some new people this year, all of them were awesome. Seriously the amount of new interesting people I met this year was fantastic. I may not have become best friends with all of you, but I got to know all of you a little better, and I like what I saw.

Old Friends: This was a year where the true friends shone through and proved their friendship and caring. They were there for me through all of the tough times and all of the self doubts. It's sad that a majority of them are leaving this year. I will never forget the good times old friends.

AASA: Me and the board worked very hard to make AASA a great one this year and I feel that for the most part we succeeded. Great guests, great events, great new people. For a bunch of mainly new exec members I think we pulled this AASA thing of nicely.

Character Growth: These last two semester have been one of the most important one in my entire college career. I've been beaten down, demoralized, and worked harder than ever in my life for a meager payoff. However in the process I learned the value of hard work, perfecting my craft, not taking no for an answer, and above all learning to apply these things to my life.

Hated

No free time: I didn't get as much free time as I wanted to this year, and it sucked. I got used to it and it's not that big of a deal but still, I wish I had a little more time to screw around.

Weird sleeping hours: My sleeping schedule has been all screwed up these last few semesters. Red Bull and coffee have become as common to me as water and I consider it "early" when I go to bed at 2 AM. I definitely lost my good sleeping pattern and it's going to take a hell of a long time to get it back.

True Colors: I won't go into detail but I really saw the true colors of people I knew this year and I didn't like it one bit. The truth hurts sometimes.

Well that's all for now, it's been one wild crazy year and there still are a few more awaiting me. For all of the good and all of the bad, I had a blast. Thanks to all involved. I will never forget.

75 down, 15 more to go

(74) of 90: Um, Doctor weird?

2010-05-06T01:27:00.000-07:00

Today, strike that this week has been weird. Ever since finals week began the week has felt off and it has felt like days where I just go through them to go through them without fulfilling any goals or completing any tasks. It seems that lately the days bled in with one another and I go from day to day aimlessly. It doesn't help that I don't have a final until Friday and it most certainly doesn't help that most of the people that I know are gone right now. Either they have locked themselves up studying or have already gone home. Usually I get to say goodbye to my friends. This year most of them just up and left with very little fanfare at all.

I feel like for some reason I'm in a purgatory or groundhog day situation where the same days keep repeating. That's how it feels to me right now, just one day blending into the next until the eventual arrival of Friday where I can go home and escape this weirdness.

I don't know why this is bothering me so much or why it's getting under my skin. Maybe because finals times while busy are usually spent in the company of people, and now besides a few people I feel alone and isolated from everyone else.

Oh well maybe I'll study a little more or do something to give that quick pick me up. Lord knows that I need it now more than ever.

74 down, 16 more to go

(73) of 90: Star Wars Day

2010-05-05T00:42:00.000-07:00

Today was Star Wars day, probably most most famous holiday that no one celebrates. I can't say I truly celebrate in the festive get your friends together and have a good time celebration but I do like to celebrate in my own way, after all, it's Star Wars.

Star Wars or rather the original Star Wars trilogy are the most important movies ever introduced to me. I would not be the same person today if I never saw the original trilogy at the age I did, an impressionable 6 years old. It was absolutely mind blowing, an experience I will never forget. My butt plastered on the couch with my dad watching this world of robots, lightsabers, and space ships roar across the screen. As soon as I finished watching the first one, I immediately popped in The Empire Strikes Back and a couple of days later, Return of the Jedi. That Christmas I didn't want Transformers anymore, I wanted X Wing fighters and the Millennium Falcon. Star wars was in my blood and like some vivid memory, never left.

I have to credit Star Wars to making me love films as much as I do now. Star Wars made me wonder that if other movies like it existed. The first ones I searched were generally science fiction films, but this led me to other great sci fi gems such as Blade Runner, Aliens, and Terminator 2. Combine that with my dad's abundant viewing of other films like The French Connection and the Godfather, I become madly in love with film and never looked back. If Star Wars was the peck on the cheek from lady cinema, the viewings afterwards were full on make out sessions.

Even the prequel trilogy as much hate as it gets, still means a lot to me. It takes me back to a time of skipping school, staying up way past my bedtime and waiting in a line of fans who shared my same enthusiasm. New Star Wars. Right here and right now. We finally see how the whole thing came to be. I'll never like Jar Jar, and I'll never forgive Hayden Christianson for being a horrible Anakin, but man it was a treat at the time to see Star Wars on the big screen with hundreds of fans like myself. Like my parents saw years ago.

Star Wars is more than a movie. It's a religion, a faith. A series of stories which we treat so sacredly that we'll argue about minute details for hours at a time. Watch for hours at a time until we know the entire movie by heart, and continually speculate what happens between the movies. After the movies and before the movies. Never in my entire life have I ever followed a film franchise with so much devotion and care and never has a film franchise supplied with hours of entertainment and wonder.

Never has a movie made me stare dumb fondly at the screen as a huge mechanical moon (read space station) destroyed an entire planet. Never has a movie made me reflect upon a single scene, as Luke Skywalker stared off into the distance and gazed longly at the horizon. I watched New Hope a few days before I graduated from high school. I too was gazing at the horizon with little idea of the adventures and people which awaited me.

Star Wars is like a child to me. As bad as it can be sometimes, I will never stop loving it.

The Force will be with you, always.

73 down, 17 more to go

(72) of 90: Khyron Beta Prime

2010-05-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

I love betas for games. Not only does it make me feel like I'm getting an extra early preview of a new game but it also makes me feel great knowing that I'm actively helping to make the final product better. I usually am never lucky enough to get invited so whenever I get the chance to be invited I usually jump at it.

The first beta I ever got invited to was actually last year. Since I purchased the game inFamous I was able to get invited to a beta for Uncharted 2 multiplayer. At first I was very skeptical. The first Uncharted was a great single player game which I felt did not need multiplayer. My mind was quickly changed when I booted up the beta and ended up spending hours everyday playing two maps and only two game modes. I was hooked and very impressed. If only two maps and a limited selection of modes could hold my attention this easily, the the final product must be great. As it was I purchased the game when it finally came out in November and enjoyed the heck out of both single and multiplayer.

The second beta I got was the Blur beta. Blur, being a racing game created by Bizarre Creations the creators of the Project Gotham. The beta only held my attention for a day. I liked the idea, Mario Kart-esque power-ups combined with real world cars, but the execution was laking at best. The cars felt too heavy and the icons which were your power ups looked very similar and were very hard to tell apart from each other. Hopefully they address these for the final project because I played a very similar style of racing game called Split/Second and felt it was a better handling, better playing racing/combat game.

The final beta I am currently involved in is the Halo: Reach beta and the one I have been probably most anticipating since I purchased ODST last fall. So far it seems pretty decent. It plays like Halo that we all know and love but at the same time brings a lot more new game play elements than the previous 3 and ODST did. I haven't played it enough to properly judge it, but so far beside a few qualms, I love it. It feels like a brand new Halo, something the franchise needed.

I hope I continue to get invitations to betas, I like being a tester for games without being paid. At least I get to play early.

72 down, 18 more to go

(71) of 90: Nostalgia revisited

2010-05-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

As I have said in the past, I am a sucker for nostalgia. Anytime the past is brought up I start to get hazy and my fond happy memories start flooding back in my mind. It's a such a intensely good feeling of warmth and comfort that I never want to leave it, I want to go back to that happy time.

It hit me again this morning. All through an seemingly innocent youtube clip of a game long forgotten. I was randomly browsing youtube, and i stumbled upon a clip from an old PC game I used to play back in the day called Midnight Rescue. It was a game I played in first and second grade and it was an educational game where you as a junior super sleuth went around a darkened school finding clues about madman who's nefarious plan includes making the school disappear with his invisible paint. Only by looking for clues throughout the school and finding the robot responsible for the mishap would you save the school. At the time I remember being blown away by the this game. The size of the school and the freedom to explore and find clues in the order you wanted to was something that I had never experienced in a video game before.

After remembering this game I intermediately started searching youtube for other games I played on PC in my youth. Soon I was watching videos of Fatty Bear, Where in the World is Carmen Sandeigo, and The Oregon Trail. Fond memories once again flooding back and memories of my first adventures into PC gaming were fresh on my mind.

These games while silly and not quite the Quake, Mario, or Zelda that most gamers remember, these games helped shaped my first gaming experiences and made me look at games differently back in the day. Most console and PC games required the domination of the enemy and through firearms and swords your enemies ended up dispatched and defeated. These games were different, they relied on critical thinking, negotiation with the characters, and exploring fantastic environments without the threat or worry of an enemy about to spill your guts on the ground.

These were games which went perfectly with my youth, they allowed me a digital adventure with risk free consequences. The characters were warm and inviting and the world was large and begging for exploration.

Most younger gamers have memories of gripping an SNES or Genesis controller in front of a TV, my early gaming memories involved a stuffed bear, my frontier family, and my junior Interpol agent with a simple dos set up on a computer tucked in the corner of the computer lab.

No matter what, games need heart.

71 down, 19 more to go

(70) of 90: What I know is nothing. Nothing is what I know

2010-05-01T23:18:00.001-07:00

I don't know why lately when it comes to writing, I've been creatively bankrupt, why coming up with a compelling and meaningful post is so difficult when at the beginning of the year it seemed like I have so much to say. I hope this isn't a sign of my writing competency or creative competency, because if coming up with meaningful things to write about is this difficult, then my future as a writer may be in jeopardy.

Then again I never claimed to be a good writer. Just like I never claimed to be a smart man nor have I ever claimed to be talented, good looking, or charismatic. I don't think I am any of these, I just do what I feel is the best of my ability on a daily basis and hope it is enough to get by. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but I feel it's the best I can do as a person who is constantly growing and adding more to the total human condition everyday.

That's another thing, all of my problems, all of my issues, of my worries and self doubts seem so insignificant when compared with the rest of the world. My problems seem to develop heliocentric theories though and I think that my stuff really matters, and my opinion really has an impact in the overall scheme of things. How foolish I am to believe.

What I know seems to not amount to much either. I was once told that what we actually know compared to what we "think" we know is a very large gap. I think I am well informed. I think I am knowledgeable in certain areas only to find out everyday how little I truly understand and how little my knowledge is compared to others. I try my hardest to educate myself on a daily basis to close this gap. I think it's working, but I still have a long way to go.

Some days I wish I was a better writer, other days I wish I was a better person, there are some days where I wish I was smarter than I am, but I keep reminding myself that I may not be these things today, the work that I out into becoming these traits will pay off in the end. When? Who knows? But one day it will arrive.

And if not, then I'll win my age and experience alone. Good plan huh?

70 down, 20 more to go

(69) of 90: End of the year celebrations

2010-04-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

I'm going to a barbecue tonight! Why am I so excited? Because this is a sign of the end of the year, where all the goodbye parties are thrown and everyone goes out on a high note. Which is quite a feat in itself considering the amount of high tensions regarding final projects and finals going on.

I always love the end of the year. I always love the sense of accomplishment and finality as the weather is warm and the thought of home looms in my mind. I always seem to be in a good mood towards the end. I love the atmosphere of people leaving until next year. I love the semi heartfelt goodbyes to friends and the promise to keep in touch all summer. What can I say? I love sappy endings. I love the finales.

I also look forward to the summer not for the relaxing times, but I do love those, but I really love the open possibility of the summer. I try to make my summers as productive as possible. Whether it's talking to friends from back home, or learning something new, or hopefully in this summer's case, traveling I never try to make it a stagnant summer. This summer will be filled with internship searching, catching up on Japanese, working to earn a little extra cash, and pitching articles to everyone and anyone who will listen to me. It will be busy summer, but it will certainly be a fulfilling summer as well.

This summer will be great. The end of this year will be great. Mark my words.

69 down, 21 more to go

(68) of 90: Don't sweat the small stuff

2010-04-29T23:44:00.000-07:00

Tonight is a blank night. A night where my creativity is running on low and my ideas and topics to write about tonight are thin and nearly nonexistent. I guess it was just one of those days. The days that manage to sneak their way in between the awesome, productive ones. This was a day of incredible mediocrity.

I went to class, did my studying and homework, watched a movies, chatted with the friends and girlfriend and that's it. Not a damn interesting thing happened in between. I kid you not and I am not exaggerating I lived a pretty average day today. I guess they can't all be awesome days.

My girlfriend on the other hand had an experience which would probably make Stephen Hawking jealous and the writers of Lost green with envy. She traveled back in time. It was just a normal day for her when she apparently entered a time warp of some sort. Her clock said a certain time but when she left it was a different earlier one, whoooooo. The reason? She probably misread her clock or her clock was wrong and made a jump. Or you could be like me and imagine that she traveled through time and make a much more entertaining tale in my mind.

I've been pretty content lately. Everything seems to be coming together nicely, and despite all of the chaos happening around me, I seem to be pretty level headed. I feel that it's too close to the end of the year to get angry for no reason or at people who may not entirely deserve it. There's only a few things in life we have control over, so it's best not to sweat the small stuff. Makes for a much happier, much more fulfilling life.

Also, it's all small stuff in the end.

68 down, 22

(67) of 90: Candy Most Dandy

2010-04-29T00:12:00.000-07:00

Candy is the ultimate power source when you are a kid. It's the equivalent to blow for kids, something that every kid in one way or another loves and will usually do anything to obtain it. Candy is power when around children, and the one who holds the candy is king.

I remember when I was younger I would do nearly anything to get candy. The most common deciding factor was good behavior towards my sibling and parents, to helping out in the house, to doing my homework. Candy was a sure way to get my butt in gear and make sure I did something at least something nice for the time to get the sweet stuff.

As the years have gone on, candy was more easily available to me. I could get candy whenever I wanted where I wanted. While it was great, it also took some of the luster away. The once great motivator is as common as buying a soda.

Tonight I went with friends to Walgreen's and once there I suddens got an idea with friends to buy a ton of candy and take it back. After all who wouldn't want to eat a ton of candy.

I bought some, took it back and ate some of it in peace.

It was glorious. A return to a time where candy was king and stood as a entitlement to kids everywhere. A time where things were simpler and more fun as well.

This blog is short and random, but I am tired so... there!

67 down, 23 more to go

(66) of 90: Things I want but will never have (because they don't exist)

2010-04-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile I'll enter what I call my "geek out mode" that is I'll completely indulge myself in what ever geeky or nerdy entertainment I feel like obsessing over for a period of time. Why this mood catches on or why how I suddenly come to this mood is still a mystery to me, but I will say that it's probably one of my favorite forms of therapy. A way for my mind to stop thinking about real word issues and worries for a little bit and for me to invest the energy I would normally invest in academic affairs.

Lately it's been comic books and sci fi TV shows. Ever since watching Kick Ass I've been on a comics binge lately and I've been plowing through my pile of stuff which has been gathering dust as the year went on. I also borrowed copies of Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol from a friend of mine. It's quite a different read from most super hero comics but it's a refreshing take on a genre which is for the most part, the same. Also factor in the release of Iron Man 2 next week and I'm short slipping on a pair of tights and kicking criminal ass.

As for the sci fi TV shows, Fringe and Dr. Who currently have my attention. A distressing trend I've noticed lately is the utter lack of good sci fi on TV anymore. Since BSG left the air and the Sarah Conner Chronicles cancelled sci fi is a dying genre. Thank the lords of Kobol for having Fringe and Dr. Who. Fringe is a absolute joy to watch, it channels the moody, bizarre confrontations of the X files along with the alternate dimension back and forth from other sci fi shows such as Star Trek and comic book lore (Infinite Crisis for example). The characters are great and the enemies each week are getting even more creative. Please Fox, don't deep six this show like you do all of your other sci fi.

Dr. Who is still as awesome as ever. For a show with cheesy production values and absurd plot and story lines I can't believe it's still got a grasp on my attention. All of the things which seem like cons though are actually what make the show so charming. It knows it's cheesy, it knows its's not to be taken seriously all of the time. This allows the show's creators to go nuts with their characters and situations . It's like watching the best pulp sci fi shows from your youth, the plots may be absurd but you can't help but suspend your sense of disbelief and just enjoy yourself.

With all of this geekdom, I've been creating a list of things I would totally take from sci fi and comic book lore, because I feel not only would it make my life that much more awesome, but it would make all of our lives that much more awesome, and isn't that what sci fi is all about? Making our lives better for a brighter tomorrow?*

Things I want from comic and sci fi lore:

Infinity Gauntlet

Mark V Iron Suit Case

The Computer from Minority Report

The Batpod

The Tumbler

The Holodeck

Phaser (the new ones)

TARDIS

Christina Hendricks replicant

Mech from District 9

I'll never get these, but I can dream right?

*thinks of the Matrix, Blade Runner, Terminator, and Battlestar Galactica

66 down, 24 more to go

(65) of 90: And the crowd goes wild

2010-04-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

Fashion show is here. The thing which for the past few weeks has been the source of inspiration and bane of my existence for the past month. It's been a long road. we had to improvise, work hard, get stuff done, do things incorrectly, redo them, make people happy, and make people mad but by god we did it. As I sit here now we are almost done.

I cannot express how happy I am that everyone is pulling together. Everyone is putting their effort into making this fashion show amazing. It's almost heart warming to see people put in so much effort, so much time to make this program come together.

I can tell it's the end of the year now. the air is full of energy, everyone is bursting with excitement and energy bursting at the seams. It's the joy that we get not having to go to classes, sleep in for awhile, and enjoy the warm weather away from the academic scene for awhile. It's a infectious behavior for sure. I'm am almost too tired to function and yet I still feel like doing something sporadic and awesome.

I can't remember the last time I have went for so long without sleep and felt ok. Seriously, I feel borderline fantastic now. For being up for forty hours I feel like I just rolled out of bed. A little groggy and bleary eyed, but still able to keep going and get stuff done. This makes me happy I want to be productive but it makes me wary as well. I have this horrible feeling I'm going to collapse later on like a match that just went out or a candle slowly dying down.

As a matter of fact I kind of feel that way now.

Uh oh...

65 down, 25 more to go

(64) of 90: The Haze

2010-04-26T00:40:00.000-07:00

The fatigue is starting to get to me, lack of sleep is turning my reality into a dream and my dreams into non existent memories which I won't see for awhile, but that's ok. I'm tired but it's a good kind of tired, the tired that while feeling sleepy you also feel like you are accomplishing a lot in the process, that your sleep is being earned in the process not just something you do when you feel tired, and something you do when you're lazy and unwilling to move.

I walk around in a near daze. My vision has a hazy tint around my eyes as I walk around. As I walk outside the rain pours down on me. My umbrella keeps me dry for the most part but I can still feel the wet chill of rain mist spray across my face. The street lights cast a green and red neon light which reflects off the wet pavement like a asphalt mirror. I slowly continue to walk down the street. My mind hazy, my eyes heavy, my body freezing. Suddenly in my sleep deprived state, my mind starts to assemble a scene out of classic noir movies. Then it hits me: the rain, the lights, the jacket, it was a noir film come to life.

I was a gumshoes walking down the street, searching for a beat or case to fund my lonely life back at my office, where my partner dies ten years ago on the force before I swore off the police force and became a private eye.

The case is getting too difficult, and too deadly where someone threatened to make me "sleep with the fishes" if I told anyone. I pretty told all of your guys so I think I had better watch my back.

I am so tired, I feel my mind slowly drain from my head.

I'm ready for sleep but tonight I don't have such a luxury.

64 down, 26 ore to go

(63) of 90: Growth in spirit not equal in growth in adulthood

2010-04-24T21:22:00.000-07:00

This weekend has made me realize two things. A woman can make a man's sanity snap in one week if she wants to and I will never outgrow carnivals, watching movies, and video games.

It's nice to know that even though as I mature and grow as a character, I still can find things in life that bring me pleasure and joy. I think it's even more amazing that all of the things I enjoy have not stayed juvenile when I first became interested in them, instead they have grown with me too. I feel I have a much better understanding of movies and video games than when I was a child, when I was a teenager. I hope this trend continues through the latter part of my life.

Carnivals will never mature, will never grow as I grow. This is a fact which makes me very happy because I would never want a carnival to change or grow.

I love carnivals. It's the smells of sugary cotton candy, salty popcorn, and barbecue pork waifting through the air. It's the bright flashing lights, the carnies (con men) yelling at you with auction house vocal speed to play games you'll never win with prizes you'll only stare at. It's the low budget rides with tacky painted cartoon characters on the side. The grated painted metal, the screams of fear and joy as the ride passes over my head. It's the view of the ground, the sensation of falling with a metal bar pressed against your torso as you fall back to earth. It's that horrible feeling you get in your stomach, the tightening of your throat as you feel something horrible chaotically whirl around in your stomach after the ride, and your immediate cure to as you spy a cinnamon elephant ear.

It's eating that said elephant and putting the flaky doughy, cinnamon sweet piece in your mouth. It's going back on the Ferris wheel and having memories of my first crush, sitting up in the dark as the wheel slowly turned, wondering if I should make a move or just remain passive. It's laughing with friends and enjoying our youth for one more year until the cynical, cold world comes to us and we won't be able to come back to that bright, sweet smelling carnival with fast rides and good times.

I will never outgrow carnival.

63 down, 27 more to go

(62) of 90: Little Occurrences equals big adventure

2010-04-23T23:33:00.000-07:00

I remember once being told that small occurrences make big adventures. Usually this is the case in my life. I never seem to try and follow a set plan with friends because usually they never work out and we never get anywhere or make any progress.

This little facet of life keeps coming back to remind me that I seemingly make the right choice not planning to far ahead on leisure stuff and that having fun should be just that, having fun. No need to have a plan all the time.

It's times like this that remind me that among the work and the stress to take a step back and enjoy myself. Let things flow and be as they occur. Not everything has to hold a reason and not every moment of my life has to lead to some revelation.

Some moments are just meant to be enjoyed. Some moments are just meant to be lived.

62 down, 28 more to go

(61) of 90: The Tradition

2010-04-23T00:57:00.000-07:00

I have this stupid tradition, every night/morning before the BSU carnival, the one Late Night event students look forward to every year and in my opinion the only one worth going to. Anyway I digress, back to the tradition. Every night/day before the carnival I stay up all night and watch a movie or movies, depending on my ambition and my mood. It's a crazy nonsensical tradition yet, most of them are when you think about it.

It all started two years ago with my old roommate Max. I had a movie I really wanted to watch, The Mist and I was amped up, excited about carnival the next day and didn't want to go to bed too early. Instead me and my roommate stayed up all night and watched the movie, went to breakfast the next morning, went to class, collapsed, and woke up to go to carnival. It was awesome.

The tradition continued on next year. This time with a different person and a different movie. The movie was Batman Begins and yet again the breakfast of champions followed the next morning. Slept until carnival time. Had another awesome time.

And here I sit again, different friend and different movie. Feris Bueller's Day Off and it's a great feeling. I don't even plan on usually carrying out this tradition every year, I usually forget about it until it happens, always by chance and never planned. That's what makes it so special. A moment of magic with late hours, movies, and the promise of a fun time later on make for a very great tradition that I hope continues as long as I'm at BSU, and as long as there is a carnival.

Until I leave college, then I'll have to make a new one. Hmmm I wonder if I can pull this off in Tokyo...

61 down, 29 more to go

(60) of 90: Villains Part 3

2010-04-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

The final installment of my analysis of villains in video games. I spent a lot of time thinking what makes video game villains memorable and compelling I already went over the difficulty and repetition that are good traits. Today I cover the final elements: appearance, personality, and mechanics.

Gaming villains can be memorable through their difficulty and through their repetition and persistence. Villains can also be memorable through their game play mechanics and other unorthodox methods to take them down. Psycho Mantis from Metal Gear Solid is not only a well rounded character who's reason for evil is explained very well, it's the way you fight him that people remember the most. In order to defeat him, you have to prevent him from "reading your mind" this is accomplished by switching controller ports and fighting him using a second controller. He even tells you to put your controller down and through the "power of his mind" he rumbles it around. Breaking the forth wall and a unique method for taking him down makes him a very memorable villain.

Another more modern example is also from a Metal Gear game, The End from Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. This villain is an elderly sniper who gets his energy and intel from the forest where you do battle. Again, unique but as a character with real development he's not very memorable. It's the method that he can be defeated which is interesting. You can do a one on one sniper battle, you can use food to lure him out of hiding, you can use thermal vision to find him hiding among the foliage, you can even kill him before and after even normally fighting him by killing after a cut scene earlier in the game or by manually moving your Playstation 2 clock ahead a year, you can make him die by old age. You also may not even have to kill him to defeat him, bu taking a fake death pill at just the right time, he may leave you for dead and move on. All of these are interesting mechanics to take down an enemy, and very memorable ones at that.

The final elements which make a good villain are ones which can apply to any medium, the character itself. If the villain is well rounded, believably evil, have an intended malice towards the heroes or characters in the game itself, or even their appearance. Seperioth, arguably the most famous Final Fantasy villain even earned this title through not only his act of killing of a main character during the middle of the game, but by his appearance of having a long silver hair and a long sword he does battle with. even one of his attacks towards the end of the game wipes out the entire solar system to summon. The Combine from Half Life 2 are also great enemies through their sheer malice towards the human race. They use us as slaves and soldiers by manipulating human bodies, slipping away their humanity in the process, they drain our planet of natural resources, making the human population sterile and using weapons which turn humans into horrible symbiotic esque zombies.

It's their sheer character and believability towards evil which makes them memorable characters. All of the bosses from No More Heroes also fit into this bill, each of the characters have a distinctive way of dressing, acting, and fighting which makes them memorable and easily distinctive from one another. The bosses from the God of War series are memorable, not only are they larger than the player and more powerful, but also have statuses as gods. The player a mortal slaying gods is a huge accomplishment in gaming and a great feeling once you actually pull it off.

That's all for now, I may actually come back and explain more. I feel that there's so much to talk about which foes into making a great villain.

60 down, 30 more to go

(59) of 90:Don't Panic

2010-04-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

Don't panic, but part three of villains is coming soon. I'm just simply too tired and worn out to write near coherent thoughts. The amount of work ahead of me and the amount of sleep I will be getting later are not proportionate in the least bit. It's even worse when you factor in the events during the day, my multicultural organizations, and classes it becomes nearly unbearable.

And yet I do it. I do it without stopping, without break, and without complaint. Not sure what is keeping me going towards the end. Maybe it's the promise of rest and relaxation for a little while during the summer. Maybe it's the trip in late July. Maybe it's the promise of more sleep to make up for the void work and caffeine has filled.

Hopefully I'll be more awake, more alert when I write. Now, I may be writing, and words may appear on page but I feel like my brain is a hundred miles away, and sleep even farther.

59 down, 31 more to go

(58) of 90: Villains part 2

2010-04-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

This is my second part of my video game villain post.. Hopefully I can come to gripes what makes a video game villain so convincing and hopefully be a more in depth follow up to my previous post.

I listed two villains yesterday. Gannon and Malek/Reven I said what made those villains so great was A: their tenacity to not give up and to keep pursuing their goals and to always be a shadow over the hero character. After giving it some thought, I thought that Bowser from the Mario series and Dracula from Castlevania also fit into this mold. They both are repeat antagonists who always serve as the main villain in every game and also serve as the end boss you have to fight. In other words you normally would not stand a chance against them during the early stages of the game, your character simply isn't powerful enough to face of against them. You have to go through lesser enemies in order to gain enough experience to face off against them at the end. This can be said for nearly any kind of villain in every video game ever made, and this does not necessarily make a villain compelling. Memorable maybe, iconic maybe but not something you'll fear each time you play. I know my attitude when I play is "oh great, I finally face Bowser like I did in that last Mario game."

I think what makes a video game villain truly memorable beyond pure repetition is how difficult they are and how much difficulty both in game and as a story character they pose on the player throughout the entire game. Nemesis from Resident Evil 3 is a great example of this. Not only is he a difficult character to defeat, but he can appear at random anytime during the game, whether you are prepared to fight him or not. He also appears at the end of the game and is also not a pushover to defeat. Similar examples to this are Dahaka from Prince of Persia: Warrior Within and Mr. X from Resident Evil 2.

Speaking of difficulty there are bosses which are just plain difficult in the end of the game too. Sometimes not even the end, but even somewhere in the middle. Sure the end boss is supposed to be more difficult than most enemies but some games are notorious for having insanely hard end bosses. This is another good trait, you may have proved yourself powerful enough to defeat some pretty strong enemies along the way and sure you expect the final boss to be difficult, but at the same time the fact that he is extremely difficult reminds the player that the villain is still powerful, still wanting to destroy you, and even though you have proved yourself worthy of facing your enemy, but they won't let you go easy, and will easily destroy with a moments notice if you don't concentrate. Some memorable examples I recall are Alma from Ninja Gaiden, the Mothership from Earth Defense Force 2017, Jinpachi from Tekken 5, and Anubis from ZOE 2: The Second Runner.

Man I feel like I'm sorting out my thoughts a little better. Part three where I talk about weird mechanics and character traits. I'm enjoying this. Might go play some Ninja Gaiden now :)

58 down, 32 more to go

(57) of 90:Villians

2010-04-18T22:18:00.000-07:00

What makes a good villain, better yet what makes a good video game villain? A villain in a video game is different from a villain in any other medium this villain you form an attachment to him. You actually fight them, you actually start out no where near equipped to fight this foe but as the game progresses, you gain the ability to finally take them on and hopefully defeat them.

So what makes a great video game villain? Is it someone who has a high level of difficulty,? Someone who you feel frightened to fight against due to fear of dying? Or is it a villain who has a presence throughout the entire game? A villain who is there the entire step of the way occasionally showing up and giving you the chance to fight yet you never get that final blow until the end. O r how about the villain you never expected? The one character in the game you never expected to turn their back on you and yet the leave your party, burn your house to the ground, and await for you to extract your revenge at the end. Quirkiness also helps too. If a villain is weird and memorable or even has a unique way to defeat them that also makes them stand out.

There are many great video game villains I have fought and won against over the years. It would be hard to come up with an extensive list of all of my most favorite or memorable villains fought over the years, instead here's just some of them who made big impact on me one way or another.

Gannon from the Legend of Zelda series- This guy is persistent. being in nearly every LoZ made and always trying to conquer the kingdom of Hyrule, Gannon in all of his forms never gives up and keeps on plotting to end the world. In one case he succeeded and the only way to defeat him required you to travel back and forth in time to get the tools and weapons needed to take him down. That's intense. Any villain who needs time travel to defeat is a worthy one.

Darth Malek/Reven- This may be cheating a little bit but when you go through a whole game before knowing half way that you were the horrible villain and could possibly change the fate of the galaxy makes for some of the most intense villain combo ever. Malek's fight at the end was

no push over either.

That's all for now. I'm to tired to keep plugging on. I'll probably have a follow up post tomorrow.

57 down, 33 more to go

(56) of 90: Shut Up, Kick Ass

2010-04-17T23:39:00.000-07:00

It's not very often when you see a movie that "gets it" A movie that is so in tuned with the source material it homaging that it ends up becoming a reputable movie in the genre. These movies are few and far between with Edgar Wright's two (and hopefully three with Scott Pilgrim being released in August) coming to mind.

But now Mathew Vaugh can be added to the list, because his movie Kick Ass was fantastic.

Kick Ass was originally a comic created by comic book scribe Mark Miller, the creator of Wanted and many other comics done by Marvel. His sense of the world always seemed to channel that Fight Club, fuck you world attitude in his comics. The movie adaptation of Wanted while sort of having that vibe did not fully go all the way with the concept. After all how would it be marketable to an audience that villains control the world and the "hero" is a man who kills, steals and commits other unspeakable acts?

That was why I was skeptical of Kick Ass I loved that Vaughn was behind the camera. This was the guy who made the excellent Layer Cake and Stardust, proving that he had range in what he directed, however in the back of my mind I knew that no studio would keep the essence of Kick Ass. No studio would want to deal with a 9 year old foul mouthed assassin who slaughtered heaps of bad guys and called them fuckers and assholes in the process.

Much to my relief and bewilderment Kick Ass closely, very closely resembled the final product (even though the comic is still on going) The premise is still the same, young nerd inspired by comics creates his own super hero and going after bad guys around New York city.

That's where the comic book fantasy ends, the movie did an excellent job showing all of the superhero motifs the origin, the choice, the betrayal, the allies, the formation of the villain. It was all there and done in a way that not only poked fun at some of the hokiness of these motifs but also payed tribute to what worked.

My favorite thing that the movie did well is make me not want to be a super hero. Most movies make it look amazing. Who doesn't want to be Batman or Spider Man. Kick Ass shows the ugly side of the antics of being a super hero. You get beat up, horribly mangled, have your life threatened, get your friends killed, and loose the people you care about the most. It's a grim, dark look at the life of a hero, but it does a good job bringing home the point. Super hero can't and shouldn't exist in our world and even if they win, they're still bringing a lot of sacrifice with them.

I didn't even mention the action scenes which were so over the top yet well choreographed and easy to follow it was a real treat. From the diner brawl to the big daddy shoot out each one was violent and brutal. The references to comics was done well also as to movies. Scenes in the movie echoed Leon, The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly, and 28 Days Later. For a film geek it was like heaven.

Kick Ass was fantastic. I can't stop thinking about it and how it may be at least in my mind, one of the best super hero movies ever.

And it actually made me enjoy a movie with Nicholas Cage. That deserves a reward all in itself.

56 down, 34 more to go

(55) of 90: Short for both of us

2010-04-17T01:29:00.000-07:00

This one is short. I'm tired and have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. This post is also kinda of special, it's also to take the place of Samantha's post as well. She's in a location without internet so blogging and posting is impossible.

Today was another exhausting day, but a very rewarding one. My media law test went well and I think I scored very well on it. I was able to have a part in a movie being filmed at BSU, again looking at my past post I'm no good at acting but apparently I did a good job, maybe I'm slowly getting better? The best part though was getting together with friends and watching Kick Ass. Kick Ass was awesome, and I look forward to seeing it again someday and talking about it.

And from what I gathered, Sam was hit in the face during a metal concert! She said she was ok and actually had a good time, but man, if you got a text saying your girlfriend had a bruise on your face wouldn't you be worried? I know I sure was, and to tell you the truth still am.

Well that is all for now, I'll probably write more tomorrow but for now sleep>anything else.

55 down, 35 more to go

(54) of 90: Christian Bale trashed my lights

2010-04-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

I love movies. I love watching them. Watching the works of my favorite actors and directors. As much as I love them and as much as I criticize them to death, I know for a fact that I could never make a movie. I could never put together a movie, I could never act in a movie and never produce on either.

I've tried in the past through camera work and acting. I've even tried writing a script of my own once and trying to put it together. All of my attempts ended up in failure. No matter how hard I tried, things just never seemed to click and I could never get my stuff together.

Now even though it was disheartening at first, I'm not bitter. In fact I felt that through those experiences I learned a great lesson along the way. I learned that no matter how good or bad a movie may be, a lot of work and a lot of effort went into making it. I also learned that nobody actually sets out to make a bad movie, nobody wants a crappy project with their name attached to it, it just happens.

With my lesson learned, I went back t the realm of just watching and critiquing movies. Even though I couldn't make a movie, I could still understand what makes movies good. I could still understand what makes good characters, what makes good dialog, and what makes memorable situations and settings. I was content, I was comfortable. I left the actual movie making to the professionals.

Which is why I can hardly believe why I am sitting her now, where just three minutes earlier I was typing a script. Yes, I am enrolled in a script writing class where it's required of me to be able to put together a half way decent movie, dialog, characters, and settings. The one thing I could never successfully do I am now required to do, and for a grade none the less!

If that wasn't enough, I'm set to actually have an acting part in a movie too. That's right, the man who couldn't act now has a part in someone's final movie before they leave BSU. To put it into perspective imagine that before Kubrick died he put Nicholas Cage in one of the roles. I rest my case.

It's just funny, to the point that I almost believe it may be fate. Something I sucked at in the past is now a significant part of my time, it's almost like someone wants me to be a decent actor and a better script writer, or are forcing me to do so behind the scenes.

I'm not complaining, it's just things like this which make life very interesting.

54 down, 36 more to go

(53) of 90: Shine On

2010-04-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been extremely busy for myself. I feel like I'm being stretched too much. Like those old Stretch Armstrong dolls and two hyper kids pulling on each end. The arms beginning to strain, the corn syrup inside leaking out of the porous holes. Vivid imagery, but vivid none the less.

Not to say I'm not making progress, when in fact I am. It's small steps towards a larger future but it is small steps towards a whole and I must admit, it's finally nice to see my efforts starting to pay off. There is still much to do, and I really don't want to think about it too much less I destroy any shred of hope and optimism that remains, but I am aware and I at least have an idea how to deal with the trials which lie ahead.

I can't wait for the summer, where the projects and tasks I work on aren't for the short term, but for the long term engagement. I'm not worrying about having to finish homework before Friday, I'm worrying about pitching stories, starting a new blog, writing some more, internship hunting, things which will not have much impact in the short term, but in the long run will certainly go a long way towards shaping my future.

I'm so tired now, tired but wired. I feel to anxious to on edge to go to bed and sleep or even take a nap, but inside I am exhausted. I can feel in my bones. I can feel the fatigue like some invisible alien virus creep around in my body and use it's tendrils to snake their way around the body, infecting everything they touch with fatigue until finally reaching my brain and making me slowly drift off.

I'm glad it's sunny outside. I'm glad the weather is pleasant enough to help provide a burst of energy, if the sun wasn't there and the clouds were in the sky on a daily basis, I'd probably be way worse than I am now, and that my friends is a very, very bad thing.

Time to accomplish more tasks, soon there will be peace. Soon there will be sleep.

53 down, 37 more to go

(52) of 90: OSU vs BSU: Or how I learned to love BSU and shut the hell up

2010-04-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

Now for the record OSU was awesome. It was by far one of the most beautiful campuses I've ever been to and combined with its close proximity to a great city, it was a near picture perfect "college environment" or at least the ones from the TV shows.

But to completely dismiss BSU? To tell other schools how much we "suck:" and how lame we are. How our fight song sucks, our campus sucks, our village sucks, and even our students suck. That's a little harsh don't you think?

I understand being underwhelmed by BSU, especially compared to OSU, but before you shoot off your mouth again without thinking first (seems to be par for the course lately) let me fill you in on some facts.

BSU has some of the top undergraduate programs in the country. Journalism, architecture, telecommunications, education, and business are included in this and frequently are listed with other big schools such as Berkley, and gasp! OSU! Also Ball State also has some very distinguished educators and professors. Off the top of my head, just four of the professors I have had either written for a major publication, currently write for a major publication, were part of a massive research group dedicated to the sociological study of Japanese culture, and helped design the technologies and equipment seen in shows such as Battlestar Galactica and Minority Report. They have looked at what BSU offers and they like what they see. BSU has substance in education and isn’t that where it counts? Of course not, you were too busy being enamored with the pretty trees and fountains.

Speaking of which, another complaint I’ve heard about BSU over the weekend was that it was ugly. Ugly? Really? Congratulations on having your super high standards and the acceptance of being alone for the rest of your life since you’ll probably never accept anyone, or anything for that matter that is good enough for you.

BSU is far from ugly, everywhere I look there are trees and grass which are well trimmed, clean streets and sidewalks, buildings which are uniquely designed by some of the top up and coming architects in the country, and dormitories which are often compared to nice hotels. If that’s ugly, give me what you’re taking. I want to visit fantasy land too.

Sure I have my gripes with BSU, and just last week I was ready to tear it a new one, but come on, you are a representative of your school. At least show some pride when you talk about the institution you go to, where you take your classes, and where you willingly spent your money to get an education. The narrow minded, uninformed views constantly go to reinforce the notion that people only care about all flash and no substance. That is exactly what happened this weekend, the lot of you taking by a flashy campus, and now like a spoiled child complain about what you don’t have without actually investigating and researching the thing you want or taking any proactive action to perhaps go through with your claims and transfer.

BSU is no OSU that’s for sure but don’t count it out, BSU still is worth mentioning, or should I say chirping about?

Yeah I went there. Get over it.

52 down, 38 more to go

(51) of 90: MASSU Workshops

2010-04-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

MASSU workshops are usually one of the highlights of the trip.. Sure there's the networking, and the festivities but the workshops are the educational aspect that I usually enjoy very much during the conference. They allow me to listen to topics that I usually do not get to pay attention to much, or do not get much face time in the media, and I must say there were some good workshops this year with some generally interesting topics, however I have to admit that compared to last year's MASSU I walked away slightly disappointed, I emphasis slightly, but disappointed none the less.

Why the disappointment you ask? Well agenda pushing for one thing, bad blatant agenda pushing at that. I appreciate people's opinion and their right to express it, hell I would have put up with agenda pushing for the most part but there is such a thing as tact, and being respectful about it as well. When you call your listeners and opponents "stupid fucking Christians". Sure they may have differences and you downright dislike their points of view, however you are in a professional setting. Using profanity to get your point across instead of oh, I don't know, facts? Evidence? Statistics? Remember those? Guess it doesn't matter, he got the applause and reaction he wanted anyway. Way to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

Also, the banquet dinner was great, I had a good time, but please get better speakers. They were downright awful. There's a select skill set required to be a good speaker, and longer does not necessarily mean better. One of our speaker, a participant in the television show Survivor was a great guy, very friendly, and very pleasant to be around, but man was his speech awful. it started out strong, then went to overly long, and finally saying the same thing over and over again. It began to drone on, and I was getting tired of listening to him be redundant for the entire span of 20 minutes. Also, many of the speeches had to do with events and information regarding OSU specifically, which is nice, but remember your audience. You have nearly 50 other schools that have no idea what the hell the OSU democratic process to get events is. Please use explanations, or better yet, choose speeches which everyone can take something from.

Well it sounds like I had a very negative experience but I did not. In fact I had a blast. it's just minor things which got on my nerves and took away from an already sublime experience. I figure I'm bringing balance anyway, since I figure that most people, being their first time at MASSU are so enamored with the overall experience that I figure I'd be the yang to the ying. Or is it the other way around?

Never mind, it doesn't matter. Just sweating the small stuff.

51 down. 39 more to go

(50) of 90: MASSU

2010-04-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

Ah MASSU, that one time every year where the delicate balance of learning new topics about the Asian American community and going bat shit crazy with friends and new acquaintances. It's a experience unlike anything else in college, and it demands that everyone do at least once in college, just to say you did.

My experience was much different than last years MASSU, last year being the first MASSU I attended. I generally feel I had a much more rewarding, fun experience than last year, even though last year's was a blast. I got to actually have more fun this year, for once I was able to loosen up a bit and have an experience as a member, rather than a student leader who was supposed to be in charge (even though I was).

I think what I discovered the most as in the secret to enjoying MASSU to it's fullest capacity is networking. Meeting new people and making new friends. I had a blast meeting new people at the conference and during the various parties and festivities which took place. Sure, it was nice to hang out with people I knew from AASA but the new people were pretty awesome in their own right and it's always interesting to meet new people from different places and different perspectives.

There's honestly a ton more I could say about MASSU, which I feel I should dedicate towards full blog posts during this week (unless there is a change). But if I had to sum up my experience in a few words it was fun, enlightening, and chaotic, but a good kind of chaos. Controlled Chaos.

The fatigue is overwhelming me right now. I way to tired to do anything productive and not have it come out half assed. Better to save that stuff for a alert day/night. I don't know how people have enough energy to party every weekend. I'm wiped out just for two days. I don't think I was made party, just burst partying, and that's good enough for me.

50 down, 40 more to go

(49) of 90: Off to MASSU

2010-04-09T11:45:00.000-07:00

Off to MASSU this weekend, so I'm going to have to make this post short. I guess 90 in 90 doesn't take into account. I will be without internet access for the weekend so I'm going to have to trick the system. I'm making two short posts ahead of time in order to fill my two day quota, and will have a follow up post when I get back on Sunday. Sorry, it's cheating a little, but it's the best I can do in this case. See you in two days!

(48) of 90: Off to MASSU

2010-04-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

(47) of 90: Let's Call it the Comeback

2010-04-09T00:55:00.000-07:00

I'm too wired to go to sleep now. it's nearly 6 AM and I still have yet to hit the hay. I'm too happy and relieved, too anxious to go to sleep. Perspective has just been put on my life and I feel a huge wave of doubt and fear has been lifted, that the clouds which once hung above my head raining down on me have been cleared.

It's always nice top have perspective, to be able to take a step back and look at a situation from a far, not only does this make you realize how important some things are, it often makes you realize just how non important some matters are. How some things which drive us mad, drive us to anger and grief are really just small blips on the road map of our lives.

Perspective makes me appreciate the simple things, things which may not seem like a huge deal, but bring you so much happiness, that you wonder why you stopped doing them to begin with. Things like hanging out with friend and chatting for hours with your significant other, simple stuff, but good none the less.

I can't say it will always be this easy to get my perspective back, and I can't always say I'll be happy where I'm at where steeping away, but I know for a fact that at least the picture will be a little clearer, and the road of life a little less unknown.

Perspectives man, perspectives.

47 down, 43 more to go

(46) of 90: Decent Men in an indecent time

2010-04-07T23:41:00.000-07:00

Ever see the movie the Dark Knight? Remember the scene where Harvey Dent (Two Face) is talking to Batman, telling him how they tried to be decent men in an indecent time, trying to do the right thing in a time where nothing was right and no one wanted to do right either.

I feel that way now. I feel the fight has just started, and we're already loosing, that people have turned a blind eye towards the common good, and in the favor of humor and entertainment forsaken the negative act which was committed at BSU this morning. Was it a huge deal, in all honesty it sure didn't sound like it at first, it sounded so ludicrous that I started laughing, "attacked on the buttocks?" who wouldn't chuckle at that description? It's the people that bother me. The people who have gone beyond making a mockery of the attacker, to a mockery of the event in general.

Now before we go any further let me put this in perspective. How would you feel if your girlfriend/sister/mother had this happen to them? Would you laugh? Probably not, the fact of the matter isn't what happened it's what it has become. It's become a mockery of the victims, it tells everyone that what happened to them was "okay" and that the crime that occurred to the girls doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how they feel, that it was still essentially a crime which occurred to them, that their circumstance is now a mockery for all of BSU to capitalize on with t-shirts and have a "ass slappers"I day which also happens to be on the same day as the "walk in her shoes day" a day which holds memorials for women who have been sexually abused and assaulted. Classy Ball State, classy.

If this is what it means to be a cardinal, then in the words of Christian Bale, I'm done. I'm fucking done. In no way do I want my name, my education, or my career associated with a bunch of sexist, narrow minded pricks who condone and honor this kind of behavior. You'd probably condone a "call women a bitch day" too. Fucking amateurs.

If you can look me in the eye and honestly tell me you condone this, all of this with 100% honesty in your eyes then, humanity is truly dead. The future is indeed a bright place with you people around.

Oh and to the person who came up with the idea of having an "ass slapping day" can take the idea and shove it up your ass.

Get it slapped while you're at it.

46 down, 44 more to go

(45) of 90: Wound like a spring

2010-04-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

I'm wound like a spring lately, I feel like all the work I do everyday goes no where. All of the conversations I have with people amount to nothing, all the money I spend gets me nothing. I feel stir crazy, like I have to get out of here. Like if I stay here much longer, doing the same daily routine I'm going to snap.

Lately has been incredibly frustrating for me, it's almost to the point where I want to just quit, for even my most heartfelt efforts amount to nothing and get me nowhere and even when I do come through with a small miracle, there's always another obstacle to block my progress. Trip to Japan for a job interview? Nice! No pay up for the ticket, and lodging, and train travel. Ouch. Money has indeed been tight lately , and I have been scrapping and saving my way in order to purchase a ticket, just the ticket, I've lost out on opportunities to spend time with friends and such because well, I'm on a budget. I'm sorry I can't blow money every weekend, I have to watch that cash flow.

I feel even my own persona has been suffering lately as well. All my jokes are unfunny, all of my wit is unintelligent, and all of my charm is the equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. I feel like everything I say lately falls flat, everything I want to talk about no one wants to listen to, and all of my help is unwanted. I feel like the kid picked last for gym class, no one wants him and the only reason he's picked is by default.

Maybe it's something in the air or maybe me and everyone else is just beginning to realize that I'm a uninteresting person that I always thought I was, but just am now coming to terms with. I hope not, I would like to think that I have at least some interesting things to talk about. I would like to think that I'm a good listener as well, always ready to listen and help people with their problems or wants, but can I get people to be interested enough, to care enough to want to do the same for me? I'm trying, but it seems to be falling flat. Or maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just imagining it and not taking the hint. I always have been slow to catch sarcasm and other forms of wit. God, this isn't making me feel any better at all I just want to be lazy, I just want to call myself stupid and uninteresting and call it a day.

Maybe this magic feeling of confidence and contentness will come back, hopefully soon because I sure as heck am not feeling it now.

And neither is anyone else.

45 down, 45 more to go (Wow, that's kind of cool, like 11:11 :D)

(44) of 90: In the loop

2010-04-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

I feel that my life is in a loop now, as it usually becomes right now about this time every year. Around the same time every year my life begins to feel like someone has hit the repeat button and the days, weeks, and months start becoming one broken record. I don't know why this weird phenomenon happens. Perhaps it's because I'm starting to get burnt out by now. Tired of the academic struggles for the few classes I care about and am interested in, the rest I couldn't care less. Tired of holding together an organization which has over a dozen different people doing a dozen different tasks at any given time, and somehow making all of those tasks gel together. Tired of trying again and again to only be welcome to meager success. It's enough to make anyone tired.

I'm also constantly bombarded with the feeling that I;m not doing something right, or "you're doing it wrong" as the internet kids say. I'm not even sure what it is I'm dong wrong, but it's this horrible nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that ceases to stop, that for a while subsided inside my body but lately has been slowly growing, slowly making it's presence known again. Maybe it's because of all the important dates and tasks before me, not just in academics but in life as well. Maybe because my academic life, the only life I have known for the last three and a half years of my life is coming to an end and the real word awaits. The unforgiving, unrelenting real world.

It's kinda scary. I know I was taught to live without fear to take opportunities whenever I get the chance or live to regret it later on in life, and for the most part it's what I am doing to the best of my abilities. However, I still am nervous, still a little worried, still a little scared of getting on my own.

These things have been on my mind lately, always swirling in my head like a hurricane of doubt and worry. All I can do is write about it. I can't really talk to anyone, I can't really tell anyone either. I wouldn't want to bother them with my problems. I'm pretty sure I bore most of the people I know already. What can I say? I'm a boring man with a lot on his mind and a lot to talk about.

Not a great combination, but at least there's writing. There will always be writing.

44 down, 46 more to go

(43) of 90: When the chains grow stronger

2010-04-04T22:14:00.001-07:00

Video games make life seem so easy. Sure you got megalomaniacs trying to destroy the world and princess always getting kidnapped but it's the little things which video games make life seem so easy. When you have a party of friends or a significant other in a video game, the game always makes sure to tell you when you make a milestone or achievement. Get closer with a friend? Progress bar. Have an intimate moment with your significant other? Progress bar. There's always some indicator to tell you just how close and just how much you mean to your digital comrades.

Life is not that easy. There's not indicator telling you to hang out with your friend whom you haven't seen in awhile or no narrator telling you to "spend some intimate time with her. She's lonely." No, you have to be your own judge of that. Some people are great at doing it, others fail miserably.

I have been told in the past by people that I am good at reading people. Reading their facial expressions, reading their answers, their emotions, and assessing just how they feel. I remember being asked by numerous people to analyse how a particular person acted around them, how they talked, the tone of their voice, and their facial expressions. I was pretty much their in game indicator for real life. Offering my opinion and telling them how they "truly felt".

Years have passed and I no longer offer people my analysis of people as much as I used to, I do pass on a fair warning that was once told to me, everyone is always watching you, always judging you. You are always being judged. I took this advice to heart and still keep it mind whoever I am around. However, as much as I can analyse, and make assumptions about people it is always nice to hear it straight from the horses mouth.

A person I care about very much told me today how much they appreciate me being there for them. I'm not one to gloat but man, was that a good feeling. Years I have spent trying to figure what people are thinking without ever hearing it from them, it felt great, amazing to know that something you're doing is working. That someone you care for also cares and appreciates you as well. It's even better for them to tell you themselves, no guess work, no analysis. Straight from their own feelings to your soul.

I felt a bond has grown stronger, and I now know that adoration and caring does not go unreturned.

43 down, 47 more to go

(42) of 90: To move on.

2010-04-03T23:42:00.000-07:00

Peter Parker had to do it. Luke Skywalker had to do it, even Frodo had to do it, kind of. It's moving on. It's the passing of the torch, the move from following a mentor, an instructor who has guided yo throughout life into the world on your own, armed with the knowledge they gave you, but not their presence.

I recently through a conversation with one of these mentors came to this realization. I should hardly be surprised, I mean it's natural that you would have to move on with your life and they with theirs, I just didn't expect it to happen so... suddenly. I didn't expect myself to be ready to soon face the world on my own so soon. I grew too comfortable with having a constant source of guidance to look to, not knowing the day would soon come where they would no longer be by my side.

I like to think I'm ready. I feel ready. I want college to be over with right now. To run out into the world and start looking for opportunities to make my life, I like to think I am ready but in all reality, I may not be. I'm probably am not. I'm still too immature, too unwise to the ways of the world to fully explore it yet. I know exploring is a learning process, but still I'm not sure I even know enough to even attempt the exploration of the world let alone take a piece of it.

I think it's just jitters. I think I'm too spooked over the fact that the people that guided me, helped me, were there for me whenever I needed them will not be there as much anymore, and if I were to ever need help , I would have to rely on my own wits and lessons learned to get me out of trouble.

It probably shouldn't scare me but it does, I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be helpless.

Some days I feel so strong, like I can conquer the world, the moon, the sun, the galaxy.

Other days I can feel the nervousness and fear closing in. Pushing me into a corner so small I have no choice but to curl up and hide.

Like a child. Like a helpless child.

42 down, 48 more to go.

(41) of 90: Academic Responsibility

2010-04-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you guys, but when I came to college I came with the objective to learn. Of course I enjoy the occasional party and I love hanging out with friends and significant others whenever I get the chance, but the main reason I came to college was to learn. To earn my education and walk out after four years wiser and ready to live in the real world. That's why I just don't understand some people.

First of all, the people who constantly skip class. I know everyone one of us have skipped our fair share of classes before, that's ok, but to constantly skip as in to never go to class baffles my mind. First of all YOU ARE PAYING FOR THE CLASS college isn't free, that's your money being put into the school, where you have all the resources in the world to take advantage of, instead you choose to sleep. Stay at your house if you want to sleep, you'll save money.

The second things which spins my melon is people constantly expecting professors to bend of backwards to assist you. Why should they? Because you didn't do your homework? To bad, lazy ass. I also love that any professor who automatically doesn't give the student another extension or cut them some slack is a jerk or an asshole who doesn't care about his or her students. You know what? You're right. They don't care. They don't care that you were too lazy/drunk/whatever you were doing to get an assignment done you were assigned to do. Imagine if your parent didn't do his or her job at and asked for another chance. Do you think their boss would allow them to get a second chance? Probably not, they would probably get fired. Never in real life will there be extra credit or extensions in your job except in understandable cases , and no, I forgot doesn't cut it.

I find it very sad when people take their education for granted. When they throw away their or worse, their parent's money on frivolous matters. It hurts even more when I specifically know people who work hard for their grades. Who are constantly studying or doing homework to make a barely passing grade. People who work long hours of a crappy job just to afford to go to college. People who live in areas where education is outlawed and any attempt to learn would result in death.

Education isn't a throw away amenity, it's a gift. A gift which allows us to grow and thrive in a world which welcomes critical and positive thinking. A gift which should never, ever go to waste.

And to go back to earlier, I'm sure some professor don't care about their students. They take home a paycheck no matter what.

41 down, 49 more to go

(40) of 90: The Rant!

2010-04-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

I've spared you guys long enough, but I can' take it anymore. I got to talk about it. I've taken all I can, now I got to rant about it. So if you want to be spared the long complaint that's bound to destroy your mood, or if you're one of those ADD types who can't stand reading five fucking seconds of a blog post before you loose interest, then turn away.

Today started off fantastic. I felt rested, the sun was shining, the weather was beautiful outside, and Japanese class was cancelled. Something that never happens, ever. So I decided to celebrate with my fellow classmates and friends to go to lunch early at Woodworth. Everything was going fine until she showed up. I don't even know her name, where she lived at, no where she was going but I won't forget her anytime soon, that's for sure.

So I was walking to check out and this girl is behind me, as in right behind me, as in so close that she was touching my back with her tray. Weird but, I didn't think too much of it, so I continued on my way to check out. She still was extremely close behind me making weird sighing sounds and still continuing to follow behind. Finally she spoke up to me and said very plainly and bluntly "Can you please walk faster, I'm in a hurry."

I simply stepped out of the way and allowed her to pass after all she was in such a hurry, I had to let her pass, her house might be on fire, her baby dying, a bomb about to explode, time was of the essence. Instead this girl goes to sit down with her friends and casually chat with her friends. Some emergency huh?

It's not the fact that she really wasn't in a hurry, it's not the fact that she asked me to move. It's the fact of the matter that THERE WAS NO ONE ON EITHER SIDE OF ME. No one, not a single person. She could have easily just walked around me and went about her day without incident, but no, she had to speak up about something she could have easily fixed the problem by using a very mild combination of mathematics, navigation, and common sense. I guess it's just easier to have someone else do the work for you instead.

This is my message to you miss I'm in a hurry and I can't do math: Fuck you. I'll walk as fast as I damn well please. I had a tray full of food on it so that's probably why I was walking a little slow, I'm not going to fucking jog like I'm in a marathon just to make you happy. Walking too slow? Then go around! No one was blocking your way on the right or left side, you could have easily walked around and been done with it to go talk with your friends about some most likely equally trivial matters. Also I feel sorry for you. If you were there during Woodworth's "peak" hours when it becomes a mass of people so packed it's disgusting, you would have never been able to pass anyone. You would have had to wait. Just like everyone else there.

Whew I feel better now. Yay for therapeutic writing!

40 down, 50 more to go

(39) of 90: Get rid of the elves

2010-03-31T22:50:00.000-07:00

I don't like fantasy. There I said it, fantasy in any form really doesn't do it for me. I'm not quite sure why, after all some of my favorite movies like Clash of the Titans and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy are great examples of fantasy done well on the big screen. Even in video games like the Legend of Zelda series and early Final Fantasy titles had strong fantasy elements, and I ate them up, but as a whole. he whole fantasy genre doesn't really do it for me.

I'll take something like sci fi any day. Anything sci fi I'm already half interested. I think it's because of it's partial grounding in reality which makes it so appealing to me. After all may of the sci fi weapons you've read and heard about are starting to become reality. Medical and technological advances are made everyday and even robots are starting to become more advance. That's the appeal, the basis in reality. You'll never see scientists one day announce they found a new species called dragon any time soon.

Maybe this says a lot about me, how I think magic is dumb and has no place in a world where technology reigns supreme. How impractical it is to use swords and shields to slay the dragon, when a plasma pulse riffle would waste that dragon in one superheated shot. Maybe it's because my childlike wonder of all things magical and mythical have been replaced by my cold hearted cynical view of the world where technology determines the strongest victors.

Maybe I'm thinking too much about this. Probably am. Sci Fi for the win.

Live Long and Prosper.

39 down, 52 more to go

(38) of 90: Columns

2010-03-30T22:33:00.000-07:00

Well guys I have a confession. I have nothing to write about. Nothing pressing on my mind, nothing bothering me, nothing making me super happy, and nothing out of the ordinary. It was a average day. Average, but still nice none the less.

One thing I thought was interesting was my grade in my opinion writing class. I ended up getting a high grade on my column and the feed back was positive. My professor even commented that he enjoyed my column and mentioned in class that he will pick the five best columns for the class to read and admire.

This nay sound juvenile but damn it if this isn't a great feeling. It feels great to know that someone out there likes what you write, when in all honesty I don't even like what I write. After being shown rejection after rejection and to have your work constantly assaulted and critiqued to the point of you wanting to throw your hands up in the air and admit defeat, to have someone, a person who has probably written and read many, many columns in his life to say mine was good. It really helps nail home the fact that even though I can't see it I am slowly growing as a writer. I may not be making leaps and bounds but hey, progress is progress and the process is a process.

I really enjoy writing columns. I love the fact that I get to do extensive research about a subject, find my opinion, and defend the hell out of it through my writing. I know I shouldn't focus on just one style of writing because writing is just that writing, and forms are just forms*, but man I really enjoy writing columns. I enjoy reading them even more, and love either picking apart how that particular writer may be wrong or pointing their strong points and arguments.

I'm not saying that I'm going to give up my desire to be a magazine writer, but I was just surprised by how much I enjoyed doing column work. Perhaps it's another alternative for me to consider on my way to becoming a better writer.

It's good to have options. Writing is a powerful versatile tool to have. Developing mastery over it will surely take time, but I can honestly say looking back that I'm a better writer than I was last semester, last month, last week, yesterday. And that my friends, is a very good thing indeed.

38 down, 53 more to go

*another example of me applying the knowledge of Brad into my life

(37) of 90: The eternal hope still burns

2010-03-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

I sent out a metric ton of assistant and intern applications last night. I didn't got to sleep until 6:18 AM doing my writing and sending out job applications to about a dozen different publications around the world. From San Francisco to Tokyo Japan my pleas to give me and internship are floating on the internet, hoping the proverbial job fisherman will snag my application fishy.

To tell you the truth, I'm starting to get tired of sending out applications. I'm tired of saying the same thing over and over and I'm tired of half knowing that each time I send out an application, I will probably get a rejection, or worse, not even a reply back. Seriously, I can handle no, I can handle hearing that I'm not qualified or my writing sucks, or my grades are absolute bottom of the barrel, but it's kind of painful to not even get a response back. I know that most of the publications are busy and have a tremendous list of tasks to complete and emailing some nobody back is probably low on their priority list, but still it hurts. It's almost like they're telling me "Sorry kid, you're so bad you don't even deserve a response back. Go home. You suck. Your writing sucks. Drop out and save yourself some embarrassment.

I try to remain positive throughout this process and mark my word that it is a process nonetheless, but it seems that everywhere I look I see people I know get an internship like a dirty dog catches fleas. What's even more painful is that some of the people I know did not even try, did not put in any effort to earn that internship. "I just kissed a lot of ass to get it. Maybe you should start kissing, Kyle," I was told by one person I know. Maybe he's right, maybe I'm not doing enough butt kissing. I never, ever in my entire life tried to stoop low enough to be a brown noser, I believed that you have to earn the respect through hard work and mutual respect, but that doesn't seem to be working lately.

Oh well someone once told me that you'd get a thousand no's before you get one yes, and it almost seems like I'm getting close to that thousand mark, unless you don't count the no replies, in that case I've barely gotten six no's.

Hope springs eternal, and that one yes is getting close... hopefully.

37 down, 54 more to go

(36) of 90: Tonight I am Solid Snake

2010-03-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

Solid Snake is my video game hero. Sure I've had fond times with Link, Mario, Gordan Freeman, and Master Chief but Solid Snake has always had a warm place in my heart and has always been a compelling character for me throughout his career of saving the world from nuclear equipped walking battle tanks.

Ever since I played Metal Gear Solid on the PS1 way back in the day I was instantly drawn to the character Solid Snake, not only did he do bad ass feats like take down enemy guards stealthily, blow up tanks with a single grenade, or face off against cyborg ninjas with crazy clones as a building collapses around him WITH HIS BARE HANDS, it was his personality which sold me on the character, he was genuine, he was sensitive amidst all the killing, he was filled with sadness and regret, he was more than just some nameless pixelated hero who blew shit up. He was real.

Snake lamented about his problems, he realized what he did was morally wrong and in a video game where the usual fantasy is t become the hero, Snake constantly said he was not a hero and could never be looked at as a hero for all of the killing he committed. His wants and needs were simple. After a life of chaos and violence all he wanted to do was settle down and live the rest of his life in peace. Fate is seems, is constantly cruel to Snake as time and time again he was forced into fighting again. Killing again. He would never live a peaceful life as long as bad men walked the earth. He was in fact, Clint Eastwood from Unforgiven or a samurai who walked a lone path.

13 years later after playing Metal Gear Solid for the first time and being introduced to Snake, I am sneaking around in the mud behind the Arts and Journalism building. It' cold, drizzling, my shoes are muddy beyond salvage and I grip my plastic six shot nerf gun tightly in my hand. I'm slowly creeping along because two zombies are right on the other side of the bushes. I creep along quietly with two other people with me, trying to go trough the wet mud as silently as possible. One misstep, one sound and we're zombie food. We trek on until the zombies go away. Once we're in the clear we book it and sprint towards another building, slamming against the wall and surveying the area until we make our final trek towards Park Hall, nearly crawling in the mud and not saying a word along the way.

Tonight I was Solid Snake for a little bit, my childhood video game hero was me for one night, and will probably never happen again. For one night, I got to relive my childhood with my friend Dave and some weirdo named Wolf, or at least that's what he called himself.

Who calls themselves wolf anyway? No one who wants to be taken seriously. Now Kaiser Soza, that's a badass name.

36 down, 55 more to go

(35) of 90: Saying goodbye is a beautiful thing

2010-03-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

This post is a little early today, but something is on my mind I can't wait for later on. If I do I'll surely loose focus on what I was talking about or loose interest all together. So anyway without further ado...

I always seem to notice that towards the end of the semester before we go on a long hiatus in the summer, away from everyone, your classmates, professor, and friends everyone seems to be happy, even myself. I think the weather has a lot to do with it, since the trees are in full bloom, everyone can walk around in light clothing without worrying about the freezing cold assaulting them and well classes are over, the summer of freedom/making money/getting into trouble!

Nothing about this is unusual in itself, why wouldn't everyone be happy about getting an extra long break over beautiful weather? It seems that there's this collective energy across the entire campus shared by the entire student body that emits copious amounts if positive energy. even during last semester, when during the end everything went to shit and everyone decided to turn on their "asshole" modes I was still in a mostly positive mood. Maybe its because I was ready to leave everyone behind and move on, but still good mood combined with good weather makes my claim true, at least to me.

I love it, it reminds me so much about being back in elementary school or middle school when the summer was looked at as one of the most joyous times in a young persons academic career. Everyone was happy, and no matter what people thought of everyone, it was a time to put aside your differences to share in the mutual joy of no school for three months. (except for the kids who had to go to summer school. It must have seen liked a cruel joke to them)

I'm not saying that I'm happy to be away from learning for awhile because that couldn't be further from the truth, I love learning about new things and still continue to do so on my own during the summer. It's just the general atmosphere and the positive energy in the air that makes me want to join in with everyone and be less of a bastard for a little while.

The weather is so nice outside, it's probably brought out the best of my mood. I think I'm going to move where it's like this all of the time. I think I'll be infinitely more productive there.

Or at the very least, warm and happy.

35 down, 56 more to go

(34) of 90: Blank

2010-03-26T23:50:00.000-07:00

I honestly don;t know what to write about tonight. My mind is drawing a blank now as I rake my brain trying to find a suitable idea to write about to no avail. My mind is a blank, the writing process halted by the proverbial wood block.

It's not that tonight wasn't interesting, or nothing good worth noting happened to me, in fact, lot's on interesting things happened I just don't feel writing about them. I don't feel like trying to express the days events into a format which everyone can read and understand, I don't feel like writing about anything.

I guess I should consider myself lucky though, as this problem has never really come across in my blog writing, I usually end up finding something interesting to write about, something with some relevance.

I have a lot of stuff to talk about with someone else, in fact I spent nearly 40 minutes on the phone with Samantha, and just talking about stuff which had happened to me and what I thought about certain and events which have occurred me, I just don't want to write about them.

I'm not sure, but if I remember correctly, writers should be ready and willing to write about everything they did during the day. Nope, not me, at least for today anyway. I can't help but wonder what this means about myself. I keep telling people that I'm a writer and that I truly enjoy writing but what does that say when I can't accomplish a simple task like writing about what happened during my day.

Maybe I don't want to do that. Maybe I don't want my blog to turn into just another blog on the internet and just basically regurgitate my daily routine. I know for a fact that I try to make every blog that I write somewhat relevant so I feel that my writing will improve and the audience reading will be throughly entertained and wiling to keep reading, and that they don't get sick of me also. Maybe it was just one of those days, one of those days where you feel that nothing you did was relevant. It sure feels like one of those today.

However if you were to come up to me and ask about my day, i'd be more than happy to share it with you.

34 down, 57 more to go

(33) of 90: It's a drug

2010-03-26T01:04:00.000-07:00

I love watching movies with my friends and it's even better when we all end up liking the movie together and talking about it afterwards. Movies are a huge passion of mine, and I love talking about them just as much as watching them.

Tonight it was the Hurt Locker that despite it being criticized as being unrealistic and over-hyped for an Oscar win, is what I believe to be a fantastic movie. It may not be entirely realistic but I never considered it as a true source for the soldiers or in this case the IED bomb squad, but as a fantastic action/character drama that just so happens to be set in Iraq.

I think that's my biggest strength in watching and analyzing movies, I don't watch t them with rigid regulations. For example, I prefer to see movies in shades of grey not just black and white. I rarely if ever flat out say a movie was awesome or was terrible without backing myself up for my reasons.

I think that's the biggest problem with people I know, they either let themselves get absorbed by all of the spoon fed trash that Hollywood produces and likes it or is so pretentious, so uptight about movies that they will find something to criticize about every movie they see. While I sometimes seem to fall into both of those camps, I try and usually end up in the middle. I don't like to take a side, I like to think for myself.

For example: Some people will give a movie a free ride if their favorite actor, or they loved the musical score and/or effects. Others will find a flaw with the movie and use it to invalidate the entire movie. Both of those are very week logical facileness and using just one element to criticize or condemn a movie of all of its merit.

Movies and films need to be looked at as a sum of it's whole, and while some movies survive the thumb of approval simply because I'm either in a good mood or I like a lot of elements worth the movie, I still take the time to look at movies in depth before my final answer.

Until then I'll keep analyzing and enjoying what I watch. After all I fully believe that movies can be an enlightening and entertaining experience.

33 down, 57 more to go

(32) of 90: It has begun...

2010-03-24T23:12:00.000-07:00

Today I started playing humans versus zombies for the first time since my sophomore year in college. I don't know why I even started to play again, maybe it was out of boredom, a need to add some variety to my life. Maybe because its because of my new manifesto to live life adventurously. Either way, after going on my first mission it felt like slipping on an old pair of shoes. An old pair of shoes which still fit and felt awesome after all those years of good service to you and your feet.

I think it helped that I had some friends by my side too. Some people I was familiar with and was able to keep in contact with and talk to effectively. It felt like a really awesome video game where you have all of you friends playing with you to beat the level. It felt like Left 4 Dead for real, and that's an awesome feeling.

There's an unbeatable feeling as you tackle anything objective based with a group of friends by your side. There's something about indulging your inner nerd to for a few brief moments live out that zombie apocalypse fantasy that secretly all nerds dream about at least once. It's like your own interactive horror movie that you control to a certain extent. Which one of your friends will make it? Which will fall to the horde? Will you be boxed in and surrounded or will you pull a John Woo style nerf gun battle to the role playing death?

This feels great to participate in something like this. It's exciting and lets me be with friends and communicate with them on an entirely different level than I normally do, I hope the excitement and momentum stays with us, because I'm sure to take a few cool stories from this.

In the words of Brad: "Motherfucking zombies are motherfucking real!!!"

32 down, 58 more to go

(31) of 90: Nostalgia by Veidt

2010-03-23T23:37:00.000-07:00

See what I did there? I made a Watchmen reference... anyway I am a sucker for nostalgia. Anytime a memorable event from the past comes up I'm usually the first to jump in the conversation. Whenever, I hear an old song from my youth randomly play I immediately chime in "Man that's from, like, high school! Good times." I even bring the conversation on myself sometimes by occasionally bringing up things I did in the past and how they compared to things I did today, more or less the "back in my day" speech.

I wonder if all people get this nostalgic. If they sometimes get washed up in the memories of the past and for a moment think back on how things used to be. I feel that for my age I do this way to often, after all I'm only 22 years young and many years ahead of me, why do I wax nostalgia whenever I get the chance?

There's nothing particularity wrong with my life now, my life wasn't necessarily better than it is now. I never had something particularly valuable back in my days of youth that doesn't allow me to function properly now. I wonder why I keep looking back to the past?

I think it has a lot to do with the way I view life. Life isn't something to just complete like a board game, life is a series of adventures made up of events which make your unique from everyone else's. Like looking a good book or listening to an old song again, it's fun to go back and review what's happened to you in your past. Sometimes you find warm memories still happily tucked away. Sometimes you find memories about events or things or people who haven't particularly aged well. Sometimes you struggle to remember certain past events to no avail, and sometimes the best memories are the ones we can't remember.

I have a lot of past found memories, and I feel that every year of my life I gain new ones to add to the collection. Whenever I think back to the past to dig up the memories, it serves as a timeline of my life up to this point. It allows me to see where I've been, what I've done, who I've met, and allows me to marvel at what a long twisting, and ultimately exciting road it's been up to now, and hopefully will continue this way for may years to come.

So yes, I am a sucker for nostalgia and I don't mind, it's like visiting an old friend years later and you find out he's aged well and has even more ambitious plans for the future. A friend who seemingly gets better with age, and yet is still like you remember him back in the day.

I think I'm going to be a great old man.

31 down, 59 more to go

(30) of 90: The Slow Dance I Never Got

2010-03-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but recently as in just now, I suddenly got a very strong urge to slow dance. Slow dance as in take my girlfriend in my arms and slowly dance around the room as the slow background music plays in the background, the lights are low, and I just dance until I can't stand anymore. I don't know where this sudden urge came from especially since I haven't really slow danced before.

Yet, I always wanted to. Ever since a young age I always secretly looked forward to the day where I would be able to take a lovely lady in my arm and dance on the gymnasium floor. Just like in the movies where the couple were locked in this intimate dance and the rest of the room seemed to melt away and it's the just the two of you. Dancing and having an intimate, happy moment of your young life.

This fantasy never came to me though, I only went to a few dances in middle school and never once went to a dance in high school. I was one of the few people who not only didn't go to dances like formals but I didn't go to prom either. I was one of the very people in my grade who didn't go. Why? Circumstances and the fact that I didn't really have anyone I was interested with want to go with me. I was told at the time this was a good thing, that I was saving my money and my disappointment, that prom really wasn't that big of a deal and years down the line I would forget just like everyone else would. Well for the most part they were right, except I still at the time felt a little cheated. After all, all I wanted to do was dance. Just to have that one moment to have that dance with someone, and never got to do.

College wasn't any better. No one goes to college dances and if they do they are usually never worth writing home about, never mind the fact that they have two slow songs, at best.

It's a stupid thing to want in life, but some days when a slow song comes on the radio or I'm back at home and my dad turns on the oldies station and some Temptations or Smokey Robinson and the Miracles comes on the air I can't help but think that about that slow dance in my mind and secretly longing for just one dance on that dance floor I left behind years ago.

Maybe one day I'll be surprised and that opportunity will come. Until then I'm dancing in my mind and the wallflower in real life.

30 down, 60 more to go

(29) of 90: Just Dance

2010-03-21T21:13:00.000-07:00

What is it about techno that can turn the most obnoxious, want to rip your ears off song into something that you love to dance to and keeps it stuck in you head all day. Seriously most versus remixes or remixes in general usually take a song I usually cannot stand and turns it into something I will willingly stand up and dance to. This is quite a feat and for people who know me know for a fact that I cannot dance. At all. In fact I either have to be really drunk or really happy to stand up and start dancing like a fool. God help me when we go to MASSU later on this month and I am forced into an atmosphere where I either dance, hang out on the back wall sipping my drink slowly, feeling sorry for myself, or stand in the middle and just kind of bob up and down while people grind all around me.

That's the thing too, I always wanted to learn how to dance well, even more so in college where I saw people who not only were good at dancing, but were good enough to get the attention of other people and have a unique skill to show off to everyone. I'm not saying I'm an attention starved attention monger, dancing is a skill that both pleasing to yourself and a crowd pleaser. Both a form of self satisfaction and a way to show off to the world just how much your work has paid off.

However as many times as I have tried both in public and in private, I always ended up looking like a fool, or someone having a seizure. I was once told that in order to dance just let the music take you and your mind and body will do the rest. Well I think there's a miscommunication somewhere in between since my mind tells my body to do something awesome, and instead it looks like that kid from the Charlie Brown Christmas, the one who kept bobbing his head back and forth.

Maybe I just really need to devote myself. Really put aside time and practice dancing. Go on youtube and look up tutorials and practice dance moves until I get them down pat.

Or maybe I'll just dance the way I am now, looking like a robot who's pooped his pants. I won't gain any fans or get girls like some people do but hey, I'll get that need to rave out of my body and feel awesome. And besides, I already have a lovely lady in my life who knows I'm a dork and probably doesn't care that I can't dance anyway.

Or at least, I hope she doesn't.

29 down, 61 more to go

(28) of 90: Me

2010-03-20T21:13:00.000-07:00

I read a random blog post today about someone reminiscing or rather lamenting about their high school experiences, and how they we're not popular, didn't fall into any cliques and didn't feel she belonged to any particular group of friends. Later on she writes that she now attended a college and now had a steady circle of friends and was happy. Typical blog post but it was the question she asked at the end which got my attention and got me thinking: "What do people think about me? What do me people like about me?"

I've asked myself this question before, yet I never thought about it in depth no did I ever attempt to find an answer. I think it's scary. That when asked what are my redeeming qualities I struggle to find them. That I have to think long and hard to find them and even when I do they usually are not that strong.

I think we are usually our harshest critic that we are constantly trying to subconsciously tear ourselves down even when we don't notice it. I think I do this all the time, I am always trying to love myself to appreciate my inner qualities but sometimes I can't help but doubt myself, randomly. It doesn't even need to be a particular incident or activity to provoke this sometimes it just happens.

Something else to work on, I feel happy and satisfied and happy with life and ready to take all challenges, but sometimes I think I need to take a step back and learn to love myself as well. I think that sometimes I need to step back and really appreciate what I like the most about me, because if I want to gain anymore satisfaction or happiness in life, loving myself first needs to be part of the plan.

The journey to finding inner love/self worth starts now, I'm happy to take the challenge.

28 down, 62 more to go

(27) of 90: Peaceful Easy Feeling

2010-03-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

Here I sit in my room, buzzed and staring at my computer screen thinking about what to write about. I could talk about how this has been such a great week but I felt I covered that already. I could write about how a night out with friends in the student center and playing bowling there for the first time in ages was an awesome experience. I'm not really feeling about writing any of those things.

I like the peace right now, the window is open and the soft distant voices of people passing buy can be heard mixed with the gentle sounds of wind rustling and the distant low purr of car engines. It's a blissful delicate sound that we hear everyday yet never realize how great it sounds until we have contrast in our lives, a moment of peaceful serenity after clashing grating sounds of people drinking, partying, and watching a March Madness game where their favorite team is loosing.

I always have liked the quiet. Even as a child, peacefulness was always welcoming to me. Always relaxing, always there to fill my ears with blissful silence. Even as an adult, sitting here at my desk writing about everything that means nothing. Everything that has no significance, yet currently means so much to me. Maybe I take pleasure from the simple things in my life, maybe I'm so buzzed that the simple concept of peacefulness lulling through my outside window excites and inspires me enough to write about it.

And now sleepiness seems to gently be taking my hand, guiding me to dream land. I'm awaiting its warm embrace, the stark contrast yet subtle against the cool breeze drifting through the window, I want to doze off I want to go to sleep I want to dream and wake in the morning and smell the sweet morning air through the open window. I want to wake up still in my bed staring at the morning sunshine. Awaiting the rest of the sure to be glorious day.

Man how random, but how awesome.

27 down, 63 more to go

(26) of 90: Back to form

2010-03-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

My first week back has been nothing short of an excitement filled adventure with more interesting events and random occurrences happening to me than most weeks before coming back. New manifesto? Mission accomplished.

Tonight for example I'm sitting in the foundations room in the Arts and Journalism building. I never ever go in there, nor would I ever have a need to go in there but here I am now, typing this post on a classroom Mac and hanging out with some people who I haven't seen in awhile, catching up. It feels good. It feels even better to jump right in, to pick up our conversations where we left off without that awkward ihavenoideawhattotalkaboutsincewevebeenawayforsolong pause in our conversations. Better than that I get to see them in their element. See what they do concerning their majors and their futures. To see them passionate and caring about their major so much they throw away hours just trying to make minimal progress. It makes me feel good knowing that I'm not the only one working hard, and it also makes me feel that I can work a lot harder too.

It makes me feel great knowing that I have set a goal and stuck to it, I'm not going to lie, I suck at setting goals. I usually don't see them or set a goal so small, so minuscule the effort to accomplish the goal is minimal and the payoff is artificial and temporary.

My goal was simple, to live my life and be adventurous. To treat everyday as an adventure and learn something new everyday, laugh everyday, love everyday, write everyday. I can happliy say I have accomplished all of these goals and it feels great, no longer do I see obstacles in my life but rather challenges and by completing these challenges I can learn something new and grow even more as a person. I've learned a lot about some people recently, and by learning these things I feel that I have a better understanding of the people in my life. What makes them tic, what makes them behave the way they do, what they care about, what they think of me. It's also helped me give certain more credit than I usually do, and for some people, choose what I say carefully. The people that say they got your back in a time of need, may not be necessarily so. I'm not claiming to be an expert to these people, but it helps knowing them a little better.

There are still some things I can work on. For one I need to improve my academic work ethic. I seem to have this attitude that I only put forth a tremendous amount of effort on things I care about or consider important to me, hence the writing every night and effort put into my writing classes. However it's all of my other classes, the ones I only am taking to fill my credit quota that I put less and less effort into and it truely shows. I wish I could care, I wish I could find a way to make me see just how they apply to my life and my future but I just can't. I have continually tried to but to no avail. Even with the threat of doing poorly in the class has done nothing to change my attitude. I don't know why, but it bother me, and is a serious problem I'm going to address as a primary concern.

So I love the progress I made. I love the happiness I'm feeling. I love my new improved positive outlook on life. But a new goal to add to my manifesto has arisen and it's a serious one.

Bring it on, I'm ready.

26 down, 64 more to go

(25) of 90: Short and Sweet

2010-03-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

My body and mind is screaming with exhaustion. I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to put my thoughts from my mind onto the page for the readers to read.

And yet here I am, still writing, still putting my thoughts, still continuing to write and stay again. It feels good to know that I have overcome one of my biggest obstacles, my laziness and self confidence. That's what separates writers I suppose. writers are always writing as tools and constantly using those tools to help them in their endeavors.

I hope that it's in me, that fire. That burning desire to let outsiders into my thoughts and feelings to see the world through my eyes, even for a little while. To want to write at nearly 3AM while nearly falling asleep every five seconds.

This is a short blog, but sadly the fatigue is setting in now. Time to dream another dream. I promise I'll have much more to say tomorrow.

25 down, 65 more to go

(24) of 90: Human After All

2010-03-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

Just when I was ready to give up on people, just when I was ready to shrug all of their cruelness, laziness, and narcissist ways something happened to me today straight out of a Hallmark Sunday Special. Something I wouldn't believe would even be possible in the human heart to do. Am I exaggerating? Of course I am but man did it take me by surprise and warm my heart. Enough to write about it anyway.

I just got out of my last class of the day. I ended up getting an A on the final, my column for next week was already looking good, the sun was shining and the weather was beautiful. It was a great day.

So I head down the stairs to see my two friends Dave Cerola and David Deng sitting at the lunch table. David Deng looked normal but Dave on the other hand looked like he was ready to kill anyone who talked to him. Observing this I approached the table and proceeded to engage in conversation with the two Davids.

I quickly found out in a series of shouts and expletives that someone had stolen Dave's notebook and sketchbook. Normally someone would be angry over this but Dave was nothing short of furious. I quickly learned that his entire "life" was in those two books. His class notes, his sketches for art class, his random thoughts, his random freehand sketches, his stage designs for the upcoming AASA fashion show, everything. Even two comic books her recently purchased were in there as well. Dave was in in uproar and never before in my life have I heard such raw anger so eloquently phrased:

"I'm so mad right now. Logic isn't even here anymore. To me every single person sitting in this atrium stole my notebook and sketchbook, and I want to kill each and every fucking one of them."

Taking that into consideration, I tried to help Dave out by helping him retrace his steps and walk around the atrium looking for his books to no avail. As I returned to his table wondering who in the hell would want to steal a cheap set of note and sketch books, a thought popped into my head.

What if someone found them and turned them into the lost and found?

I suggested this to Dave and he went to check with the lost and found. Not three minutes later, he returned with his note book, sketchbook, a look of happiness and relief, and all of their original content inside.

This made me really happy, and made my great day an even better one.

It wasn't just because my friend found his possessions that were very valuable to him, its the perfect example of people doing what was right.

You see me and Dave automatically assumed that someone stole his books and was probably doing some horrible stuff to them or just being an asshole in general by taking what isn't theres. We assumed that the book was already gone and all of his content was gone with it. We automatically assumed the worst and did not even consider the possibility that someone possibly did the right thing and turned it in.

We are cynical by nature. Years of misfortune done to people on a daily basis has done this to us, leading us to assume the worst and never even thinking that a good deed is even part of the equation anymore, but sometimes people surprise you. People still are capable of doing the right thing and helping their fellow man/woman when in need, this reminded me of this fact and it makes me feel better. The world may be a menacing, unforgiving place, but not everyone in it works this way, even if they are few in numbers.

Thank you whoever did the right thing today, you have put perspective in my life and made me trust humanity a little more.

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